The Immortals #12 (PG-13)

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The Immortals #12 (PG-13)

Post by Mark on Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:11 pm

For those of you who don't know, The Immortals is the old name for... OK it sill hasn't got a name. The novel I am working on anyway. The rest is on YWS. The is Chapter Four, Part 3... I think. I can't check. lol, how did I live without YWS?

~


Finally, the moon sank into the black, shapeless figures of the misty yonder, and a morning sun glazed the land in a rich spell. Seridon’s words spoke of foul times, but nothing could rival nature and her stunning magnificence. When Seridon’s eyes peeled back, they locked through the blinding light to a figure of Aedomir. Apparently, he was gazing out across the water’s edge towards the far distance, where the new realm dwelt; or at least, new for him anyway.

Tears streamed in a series of dry rivers down Aedomir’s emotionless face as he crouched over the dampening grass into the lake. The colour of the waters blended into a thick brown slime, as hideous as a Kalbarc, and as ill as four inanimate carcasses. It ran from the distorted mountains downward, past the stormed wilderness. His eyes flicked over the scenery, an unpleasant sight as it stood now. Where once, crystal blue waters had settled like a glorious bath, pools of filth dwindled in a stubborn manner. Through the shallows of his hazy memories, he thought of the old green leaves of tree-clad hillsides, where the sun shone upon the bright coats of new sleet and snow.

But that was all gone now. Aedomir needed no further counsel. The end had struck hard, and with it, beauty and fallen.

“I’m sorry,” Seridon murmured. “But it happened, and that is how it is.”

Aedomir said nothing in hope he would save his pity. Instead he just pulled his eyes to a close and felt the tears trickle down and burn his skin; little room was there now for thought of self honour. A wound deepened in his scorned heart, glazed with waxing sorrow. Pain, anger and his eye for vengeance melted into one. In an instance, Aedomir arose with clenched fist.

“We must leave, now,” he growled. “Two we shall set out as, and by the dusk of our road we shall be seven. Now, we shall go!”

Seridon took no thought but to obey the command. With uttermost speed he packed his equipment and quenched the few remaining sparks of fire. “Let us travel with all haste across a fivefold road, with duty to gather five of your kin.”

“My only kin,” Aedomir corrected. “And why is it you seem to follow me so? An almost loyalty guides you, I find.”

“These savages may have reigned a long millennium, but now their time will be challenged. Let them face the wrath of not only one, Aedomir Scar-turner Fortongue, but seven! Let them flee before his might!” cried the last of Seridon’s breath as he roared into the sky.

Aedomir could barely resist a cheerful beam. “Your ability has been proven to me, and your passion, is admirable.” Aedomir’s voice shrunk, and he ended up murmuring beneath his shallow breath. “But not even now can my vision see. Strength cannot be kindled by me alone, nor any man who seeks power in solitude for that matter. I do not know what is that I shall face, or how I shall. But alas! We must journey on and regain the trust of my comrades, or you shall, at least. I can only hope they remember life’s intent! If you still wish to accompany me, I would be more than grateful for your guidance.”

Seridon looked to the heavens. “Aye! We travel together.”

“And to what debt do I owe this? You have already saved me for no cause once, yet you still walk with me?” Aedomir let on to be puzzled, but something inside him said he need not have an answer.

“Lonesome comrade, material wealth has no benefit to me.”

The voice that followed was warm and generous, “then what is it you desire? How may I serve you?”

Seridon hesitated before replying. “But that is it, I wish to serve you. I ask only your forgiveness, and your friendship, or is that too much to plea for? In return I offer you my sword and my oath to follow you, wherever our winding rivers flow. ” He knelt down and looked to the floor.

Aedomir studied him from a short distance away. At decisive length, he answered, “companion, you cannot barter friendship. You must earn it.”

A hesitant look stared up at Aedomir, who met it and smiled.

“Which you already have,” he continued. “A dark veil if illness was bestowed upon us, and for that, I forgive you, but not myself. We shall now lift it, and rally to a favourable end!”

At once, Seridon arose and bowed. “Now hurry!” he said. “Before time defeats us!”

#

They passed across the plains by quick foot. Aedomir had claimed some venison, making but a sport of the game chase, and between them, a new energy had turned true. They ate in a quick break hungrily, and fed the rest to Rothorn. For the first in a long time, Aedomir felt focused, driven by determination as it keenly flowed through his blood. Soon, Aedomir deemed it necessary to counsel with Seridon on where they should go.

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Re: The Immortals #12 (PG-13)

Post by bigbadbear on Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:06 am

Hey, Mark! I haven't read this because (shamefully) I haven't read the others. I would suggest posting chapter one - all of it. I think both of the members (Wozzel and I) have read it, but it would still be up for future reference. (in case any other new members would like to read it)

And, you could post all of your chapters at once, you know. Because we don't have the 1 thing rule.

Yeah. Just a though.

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Re: The Immortals #12 (PG-13)

Post by Mark on Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:02 am

I think I will post them all up, chapter one.. two etc. Thanks.

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Re: The Immortals #12 (PG-13)

Post by bigbadbear on Tue Mar 04, 2008 3:22 am

Well, I got bored and was hanging around the site. So, I decided to take a look at this, as you've posted it and all that. XD So, I'm probably not going to understand what is going on...


Finally, the moon sank into the black, shapeless figures of the misty yonder, and a morning sun glazed the land in a rich spell.

I would change 'figures' to 'figure' seeing as there is only one misty yonder.

Seridon’s words spoke of foul times, but nothing could rival nature and her stunning magnificence.

I'm being extremely picky because I've nothing to do! I would change the underlined portion to, "but nothing could rival her nature and stunning magnificence." Unless that just ruined the sentence, change it, please. Laughing

This was beautiful, Mark, as most of your chapters are. I really miss reading this story. You definately have to post the chapters up here again, please. I love this story! It's awesome. I wish that you could have something to improve on, but your writing is so unique and so descriptive that I just can't.

Keep up the good work!

-Jared

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Re: The Immortals #12 (PG-13)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Tue Mar 04, 2008 4:42 am

I've got two edits:

"He knelt down and looked to the floor."

Aren't they outside? If they are, you should use ground instead of floor.

"At decisive length, he answered, “companion, you cannot barter friendship. You must earn it.”"

Capitalize "companion" here.

I agree with BBB, by the way, that you should post all the chapters, for people who are here but not on YWS.

One thing I noticed here was your dialogue... you make medieval sound natural, something that I was never able to do. Amazing job! You make this sound like you've studied some.

I really like this, as well as the others...

Jamon

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Re: The Immortals #12 (PG-13)

Post by Mark on Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:32 pm

That's great thanks everyone. This was my personal favourite part of my novel. I just think the way that Aeddmir forgives Seridon, and the way you can tell that they will be good friends.

Also, with the dialogue, I guess it was my hour of Shakespeare in English. *shivers*

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