Possible 'The Immortals' Scene (PG)

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Possible 'The Immortals' Scene (PG)

Post by Mark on Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:52 pm

This is partly me trying to get the forum going, but mostly me finding out whether this romance scen is any good. I have never written romance before! It is very short, but the idea is, do you think I have introduced Aedomir's first love well?


~


As his feet paced silently across the stony ground, a streak of golden light passed across the sky. It was burnt in places, everywhere else a vast swirl of strawberry soup.

Then it hit him.

The arrow ripped into his chest and sent him stumbling back. Seridon grabbed him and he lurched forwards again. An invisible shaft stuck out from his heart. Cupidís arrow had struck true and hard this time.
Bloody love embraced in his heart.

And there she sat. On the steps leading to a small, stone house, a woman sat rubbing her hair and blushing in the warmth of the glowing sunset. Her hair streaked ochre, or perhaps a dirty blond. But really, it was beside the point; she was beautiful. Nothing that dwelt in the shallows of Aedomirís mind could explain his irrational feelings. Maybe it was the way the strands of her hair whipped in the floating breeze, or maybe the way her pale, almost invisible skin began to redden in a blatant sorrow. Her eyes; a blend of warmth and fear, fused in a mixture ofó

No. No more. No more love. No more letís try and be normal. No more of this pathetic debris to cloud my mind. He thought.

Still, something apparent settled inside him, urging him to move and step towards her. Keenly pushing his body towards hers.

It was strange. The way he had fought so hard to rise above an influence, boxing him like caught fish, and yet, love remained forbidden.

And so it seemed, was normality.

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Re: Possible 'The Immortals' Scene (PG)

Post by bigbadbear on Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:02 am

Hey! You know that I love this story, and I'm fairly good at romance, so let's see what you've got here!

As his feet paced silently across the stony ground, a streak of golden light passed across the sky

I would suggest changing 'passed across' to 'passed through'.

Her hair streaked ochre, or perhaps a dirty blond.

Two things here: is ochre spelled right? My brain and computer don't think so... and I don't know if that is how you spell 'blond' in England, but over here we spell it 'blonde'. I personally think that 'blonde' looks a lot more professional. But it's your choice.

No more; letís try and be normal.

Add a semicolon; and I would suggest changing 'normal' to 'reasonable'. No reason, it just seems to fit the case. flower << Look at de pretty flower!

No. No more. No more love. No more letís try and be normal. No more of this pathetic debris to cloud my mind.

This should all be italized.

Very good, Mark. I love this story; it's so well thought out! I like this bit a lot, because it's easy to relate to. I'm sure, in everyone's life, we have felt like this. I hope that you continue to write, because this was excellent!

-Jared
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Re: Possible 'The Immortals' Scene (PG)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:05 am

Wow, that's a really good romance scene. You had me weirded out with the arrow at first, then you mentioned the cupid. BBB took care of edits, and one thing I definitely agree with him on is that you should change "normal" to "reasonable".

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Re: Possible 'The Immortals' Scene (PG)

Post by Mark on Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:56 pm

Thanks very much everyone! I threw it together in a few seconds. Literally, a few seconds. My mum was yelling at me to revise for my tests which have... tomorrow. The most important exams of my life so far. They aren't that important, but in contrast they are.

[/ramble]

Thanks a load, you people are great!

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