Midnight Darkness Prologue (PG-13)

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Midnight Darkness Prologue (PG-13)

Post by bigbadbear on Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:15 am

This was my novel for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) last year. This was my favorite story I had ever done because it had the things that really terrified me - werewolves...

Prologue: Wolfgang the Terrible

“Trick or Treat!”

An elderly lady strode to the door with a wide grin on her face. “Oh! Oh, my! What do we have here?” She looked out through the screen door and saw a six-year-old boy smiling. His father was standing next to him.

The six-year-old was in a shaggy dog lupine looking costume. The old lady couldn’t recognize what it was. She opened the screen door with a bowl of candy in her hands. The bowl was orange, matching the candy wrappers inside.

“So, dearie, what are you tonight?” she asked kindly. The boy frowned and stepped back, too shy to answer. He put his arm around his father’s leg. The father laughed and patted him on the head. “He’s a werewolf this year. Isn’t that right, Landon?”

Landon stood there. He didn’t answer.

The father laughed again and said, “Landon, go and get your candy and lets go home. We’ve done enough tonight.”

Landon quickly grabbed a handful and put it in his blue pillowcase. The case was really full, and getting heavy, the woman noticed.
“Well, thanks a lot!” she said to them. The father turned around and waved. Then he turned back and walked little Landon back home.
On the way, David asked his son, “Really, can’t you stop itching?”

Landon turned to look at his father and shook his head no. He continued itching his side, where apparently, his costume kept scratching him. David sighed and noticed some of the older children of the neighborhood playing around. He smiled as he remembered those days when he was young.

When they reached their home, David instructed Landon, “Go show Mom how much candy you got today.”

Landon nodded and smiled.

*

“We’re home!” David shouted. He looked at Landon as his son raised his bag full of candy up to Carol, his mother.
“Oh my! That’s a lot of candy! I think that Celeste will have to help you eat all of that!” Carol told him, grinning from ear to ear.
Landon shook his head.

“No, Mommy! I don’t want Celeste to have any at all! She’s always so mean to me,” Landon said, and pondered on that thought.
David shook his head and quickly said, “Go take off your costume. It’s getting late and it’s a school night.”

“But, Dad!” Landon protested.

“No buts! Go!”

Landon huffed and went back to his room. His room was his favorite place in the world. He could do anything – everything – in there. And he did. The smallness of it made it seem cozy to him.

He slowly stripped out of his ugly werewolf costume. He sighed because he knew that he had not had a very fun night. That costume had itched like crazy and didn’t let him have an enjoyable time at all! There must have been something inside of it.

As he pulled off the leggings, he saw something out the window. It was quick; like it was there and gone. To him it looked like a big dog. He was curious and ran to the window. Nothing was out there but a few more teenagers going trick or treating.

Landon, keeping an eye on the window undressed and pulled on some dinosaur pajamas. The pajamas were tight fitting, just like Landon liked. He liked that feeling of being surrounded, but not claustrophobic. He liked to know that he was protected. Landon glanced down to get his left foot through the leg of his pajamas, and he saw it again. Just a quick little gray flash run by his window. His head jerked over and he ran over to the window again.

He could see it.

He couldn’t believe it.

There was a huge dog out in his front yard. It was really big. It was the biggest dog he had ever seen. Its gray fur was sleek and smooth, and it reflected the full moon’s gaze. Its head was turned and Landon gasped.

It was looking at him. Landon scooted closer to get a better look, and the wolf dog disappeared.

Landon stood there, not realizing the dog was gone, but when he noticed that the moon’s glare was not reflecting anymore, he turned around. He pulled on a T-shirt and suddenly stopped.

His bedroom door was slowly creeping open.

Landon didn’t move. He couldn’t. Was it that dog thing again? Could it be? Wouldn’t his dad have fought the monster off? Would his dad let this monster thing come and get him?

The door inched forward, and Landon could now see behind the door. He gasped. David Maxfield walked in.

“Hey, little buddy. Ready for bed?”

Landon nodded and stifled a yawn. He turned around and slowly crept into bed. He then realized that he was dead tired. “Ok, good night, sport.”

“No! Dad! Wait!” Landon cried. David turned around and looked at his only son. “What?”

“Dad, tell me a story, please? I want to hear a story about a werewolf!” Landon asked, his big brown eyes pleading with his father. David sighed and grabbed Landon’s desk chair. He swiveled it over to Landon’s bedside and stopped.

“So, what story do you want me to tell you?”

“”One about a werewolf, Dad! I just told you!” Landon laughed. David smiled and thought. Did he know any stories about werewolves? If he did, they weren’t coming to him. Suddenly, a great story popped up into his head.

“Oh yeah! Okay, now listen closely, ok, Landon?” Landon nodded.

“Okay, let me think…alright, now I remember. This story is about Wolfgang, the Terrible.” His father said, and then started into the story.

As a cub, Wolfgang was considered an outcast from the pack. Werewolves, as you know, are really similar to dogs and wolves. They travel in packs, and have a ‘leader’ of the pack. Back then, Artimus was the leader of the pack, and every brave werewolf would have to challenge the leader every year.

Wolfgang did terrible. He was a very weak boy when he was first bitten. What? You don’t know? Werewolves cannot have babies. The only way for their population to exceed is to bite other people. But, they try not to bite girls, because they can’t hold the werewolf genes very well, but that is another story for another time.

Well, throughout Wolfgang’s life, he trained and trained and trained to become the leader of the pack. He had masters that he followed and friends he could rely on. At last, when he finally did conquer Artimus, the whole pack stood back.

With Artimus’s body on the ground, Wolfgang claimed leadership and the dominant ruler of the werewolves. He loved hate and chaos; peace and happy was not his thing. He though that werewolves should be greedy and horrible, and so they became that.

Throughout the years, Wolfgang taught the werewolves to become vicious and bloodthirsty. They went into war with their enemies, the Vampires. They won the first time, because the Vampires were surprised. The blood-sucking breed wanted peace and happiness in their lives, and they sustained it. Wolfgang could not tear them apart, so the Vampires would tear Wolfgang apart.

The last war that killed off all of most of the werewolves was terrible. Wolfgang was the only survivor out of millions of werewolves. The Vampires had won, and he admitted it. With dead werewolf bodies lay askew on the ground, Wolfgang limped out of America for the last time. We believe that he made a settlement somewhere in Canada called Fort Wolfgang. I believe that is where he lives now, but we cannot be sure.

Fort Wolfgang was used as a sort of headquarters for the werewolves. Wolfgang repopulated the werewolves again, and one day in the future, he knew, the Vampires would die.


“Good night, Landon. Sleep tight. Don’t let Wolfgang bite.” David chuckled. He had thought that was pretty amusing. He had totally forgotten about Wolfgang. His father had that story to him when he was just a kid. David remembered those days. He shook his head and walked out of Landon’s room.

Landon was terrified. Not because of the story, but because of what he had saw out the window before his father had come in. Landon knew that what he had saw was not a big dog. He knew it was a werewolf.

He looked out into the dark, Halloween sky and cuddled with his blankets. Whatever it was couldn’t get him now. He was safe, back at home. Nothing could eat him. Nothing.

And then the window unlocked itself. Landon’s eyes flashed towards the glass window, smudged with dirt and grime. Even through its dirty frame, Landon could see it outside.

It was waiting for him. There, in the dark. It had one paw on the window, and was using the other three for support. The werewolf was huge; the biggest thing Landon had ever seen, but yet, its features were if those as a dog or a wolf.

Landon heard a small cry, and realized that it was he. The thing was trying to get in! Its paw was obviously using force to push the window up. At last, Landon felt a cold wisp of air travel through his room. He threw the covers over his head and waited. In the dark. Where no one could save him.

He saw the window open more through his covers, and he saw a big black shadow jump through, and landed silently. Landon froze. It was in his room!

The black shadow crept up to him. “Go away!” Landon whispered to himself. It moved closer. And closer.

And then it was on him.

Landon screamed as loud as he could. He jerked the covers off and gasped.

His mother was bending down to him, to kiss him. “What?” she said, and pulled back.

Landon looked at the window. It was closed. Landon’s heart slowed down. There was nothing in his room. It was all fake…wasn’t it?

“Good night, honey.” She bent down and kissed him on the check. Landon stared at the window and finally went under his covers, and fell asleep.

*

Thanks for reading! You guys rock!

-Jared
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Re: Midnight Darkness Prologue (PG-13)

Post by Mark on Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:03 am

Ah, yes. Your NaNoWriMo.

I will crit this ASAP, I need to go to bed now...

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Re: Midnight Darkness Prologue (PG-13)

Post by bigbadbear on Tue Mar 04, 2008 5:10 am

Thanks. Yeah. I need feedback on this, because I don't know if anyone will like it. If you guys do, then I'll post some more.

So, thanks, Mark.

-Jared

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Re: Midnight Darkness Prologue (PG-13)

Post by Mark on Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:02 pm

Hiya!

The case was really full

'Really' doesn't really fit here. Something like 'The case bulged with the contents' may work a bit better.

shook his head no

'no' I think ought to be italicized.

I didn't pick up on any other grammar issues here, which is definately great for a NaNo! The pace is just fine and it has a nice feel to it. I can jsut tell it will change though... something eerie. lol, I liked this, I look forward to more!

~Mark~

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Critique

Post by telana_kiarr on Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:48 am

Great start for a story. I hope you don't mind if I do an all out critique on this thing. My input will be in Bold letters.


Landon stood there. He didn’t answer. These two sentences are too simple, and a little choppy. Maybe something like, "Landon stood there awkwardly, not wanting to answer the stranger.

The father laughed again and said, “Landon, go and get your candy and let's go home. We’ve done enough tonight.”

Landon quickly grabbed a handful and put it in his blue pillowcase. The case was really full, and getting heavy, the woman noticed.
“Well, thanks a lot!” she said to them. This doesn't seem like the kind of thing an elderly woman say. Something along the lines of "Have a good night" would be better. The father turned around and waved. Then he turned back and walked little Landon back home.
On the way, David asked his son, “Really, can’t you stop itching?”

Landon turned to look at his father and shook his head no. He continued itching his side, where apparently, his costume kept scratching him. David sighed and noticed some of the older children of the neighborhood playing around. He smiled as he remembered those days when he was young. Again, a little choppy, but not bad.
When they reached their home, David instructed Landon, “Go show Mom how much candy you got today.” "Instructed" isn't really the right word here. It makes him sound rather imperious.
Landon nodded and smiled.

*

“We’re home!” David shouted. He looked at Landon as his son raised his bag full of candy up to Carol, his mother. I would change shouted to "called from the front door."
“Oh my! That’s a lot of candy! I think that Celeste will have to help you eat all of that!” Carol told him, grinning from ear to ear.
Landon shook his head.

“No, Mommy! I don’t want Celeste to have any at all! She’s always so mean to me,” Landon said, and pondered on that thought. Not really sure what the point of his pondering is, and it takes away from the scene.
David shook his head and quickly said, “Go take off your costume. It’s getting late and it’s a school night.”

“But, Dad!” Landon protested.

“No buts! Go!”

Landon huffed and went back to his room. His room was his favorite place in the world. He could do anything – everything – in there. And he did. The smallness of it made it seem cozy to him. Maybe in between the first and second sentence put something like, "As he reached the door, though, his mood suddenly shifted." Also, the "And he did," sentence seemed like it just popped in there; you could do without it.

He slowly stripped out of his ugly werewolf costume. He sighed because he knew that he had not had a very fun night. That costume had itched like crazy and didn’t let him have an enjoyable time at all! There must have been something inside of it. The second sentence seems too...precise. Maybe he could "recall the dull night that he just wasted."

As he pulled off the leggings, he saw something out the window. It was quick; like it was there and gone. <--Instead of semicolon, put a comma. To him it looked like a big dog. He was curious and ran to the window. Nothing was out there but a few more teenagers going trick or treating.

Landon, keeping an eye on the window, undressed and pulled on some dinosaur pajamas. The pajamas were tight fitting, just like Landon liked. He liked that feeling of being surrounded, but not claustrophobic. He liked to know that he was protected. I like this bit of characterization! Landon glanced down to get his left foot through the leg of his pajamas, and he saw it again. Just a quick little gray flash run by his window. His head jerked over and he ran over to the window again.

He could see it.

He couldn’t believe it.

There was a huge dog out in his front yard. It was really big. It was the biggest dog he had ever seen. Its gray fur was sleek and smooth, and it reflected the full moon’s gaze. Its head was turned and Landon gasped. You kinda get repetitive with the "it"s. The transition from the second to third sentence doesn't look quite right. Maybe "It was really big, probably the biggest dog Landon had ever seen."

It was looking at him. Landon scooted closer to get a better look, and the wolf dog disappeared.

Landon stood there, not realizing the dog was gone, but when he noticed that the moon’s glare was not reflecting anymore, he turned around. He pulled on a T-shirt and suddenly stopped.

His bedroom door was slowly creeping open.

Landon didn’t move. He couldn’t. Was it that dog thing again? Could it be? Wouldn’t his dad have fought the monster off? Would his dad let this monster thing come and get him?

The door inched forward, and Landon could now see behind the door. He gasped. David Maxfield walked in.

“Hey, little buddy. Ready for bed?”

Landon nodded and stifled a yawn. He turned around and slowly crept into bed. He then realized that he was dead tired. “Ok, good night, sport.” I would probably move the second to last sentence somewhere near the beginning of this paragraph.
“No! Dad! Wait!” Landon cried. David turned around and looked at his only son. “What?”

“Dad, tell me a story, please? I want to hear a story about a werewolf!” Landon asked, his big brown eyes pleading with his father. David sighed and grabbed Landon’s desk chair. He swiveled it over to Landon’s bedside and stopped.

“So, what story do you want me to tell you?”

“One about a werewolf, Dad! I just told you!” Landon laughed. David smiled and thought. Did he know any stories about werewolves? If he did, they weren’t coming to him. Suddenly, a great story popped up into his head. Maybe "a story from his child hood popped into his mind."
“Oh yeah! Okay, now listen closely, ok, Landon?” Landon nodded.

“Okay, let me think…alright, now I remember. This story is about Wolfgang, the Terrible.” His father said, and then started into the story.

As a cub, Wolfgang was considered an outcast from the pack. Werewolves, as you know, are really similar to dogs and wolves. They travel in packs, and have a ‘leader’ of the pack. Back then, Artimus was the leader of the pack, and every brave werewolf would have to challenge the leader every year.

Wolfgang did terrible. He was a very weak boy when he was first bitten. What? You don’t know? Werewolves cannot have babies. The only way for their population to exceed is to bite other people. But, they try not to bite girls, because they can’t hold the werewolf genes very well, but that is another story for another time.

Well, throughout Wolfgang’s life, he trained and trained and trained to become the leader of the pack. He had masters that he followed and friends he could rely on. At last, when he finally did conquer Artimus, the whole pack stood back.

With Artimus’s body on the ground, Wolfgang claimed leadership and the dominant ruler of the werewolves. He loved hate and chaos; peace and happy was not his thing. He though that werewolves should be greedy and horrible, and so they became that.

Throughout the years, Wolfgang taught the werewolves to become vicious and bloodthirsty. They went into war with their enemies, the Vampires. They won the first time, because the Vampires were surprised. The blood-sucking breed wanted peace and happiness in their lives, and they sustained it. Wolfgang could not tear them apart, so the Vampires would tear Wolfgang apart.

The last war that killed off all of most of the werewolves was terrible. Wolfgang was the only survivor out of millions of werewolves. The Vampires had won, and he admitted it. With dead werewolf bodies lay askew on the ground, Wolfgang limped out of America for the last time. We believe that he made a settlement somewhere in Canada called Fort Wolfgang. I believe that is where he lives now, but we cannot be sure.

Fort Wolfgang was used as a sort of headquarters for the werewolves. Wolfgang repopulated the werewolves again, and one day in the future, he knew, the Vampires would die.
I'm not going to change this, because I find it very interesting.
“Good night, Landon. Sleep tight. Don’t let Wolfgang bite.” David chuckled. He had thought that was pretty amusing. He had totally forgotten about Wolfgang. His father had that story to him when he was just a kid. David remembered those days. He shook his head and walked out of Landon’s room.

Landon was terrified. Not because of the story, but because of what he had saw out the window before his father had come in. Landon knew that what he had saw was not a big dog. He knew it was a werewolf.

He looked out into the dark, Halloween sky and cuddled with his blankets. Whatever it was couldn’t get him now. He was safe, back at home. Nothing could eat him. Nothing.

And then the window unlocked itself. Landon’s eyes flashed towards the glass window, smudged with dirt and grime. Even through its dirty frame, Landon could see it outside.

It was waiting for him. There, in the dark. It had one paw on the window, and was using the other three for support. The werewolf was huge; the biggest thing Landon had ever seen, but yet, its features were if those as a dog or a wolf.

Landon heard a small cry, and realized that it was he. Him, maybe? The inverse doesn't sound quite right. The thing was trying to get in! Its paw was obviously using force to push the window up. At last, Landon felt a cold wisp of air travel through his room. He threw the covers over his head and waited. In the dark. Where no one could save him.

He saw the window open more through his covers, and he saw a big black shadow jump through, and landed silently. Landon froze. It was in his room!

The black shadow crept up to him. “Go away!” Landon whispered to himself. It moved closer. And closer. Maybe, "It moved closer, closer." The last sentence is choppy.

And then, it was on him.

Landon screamed as loud as he could. He jerked the covers off and gasped.

His mother was bending down to him, to kiss him. “What?” she said, and pulled back. I would change the first sentence to something like, "His mother was leant over to kiss him goodnight."

Landon looked at the window. It was closed. Landon’s heart slowed down. There was nothing in his room. It was all fake…wasn’t it?

“Good night, honey.” She bent down and kissed him on the check. Landon stared at the window and finally went under his covers, and fell asleep.


Like I said, very good beginning to a story. I hope you're not discouraged, because I really am just trying to improve your writing abilities.
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Re: Midnight Darkness Prologue (PG-13)

Post by bigbadbear on Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:53 am

No, thank you! I really appreciate your edits! I'll find them extremely helpful in the future!!

Thanks for all of your kind words. rendeer What is a reigndeer doing here?

-Jared

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Reindeer

Post by telana_kiarr on Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:56 am

lol! I don't know. Help spread the Christmas cheer?
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Hi BBB

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Wed Mar 05, 2008 5:00 am

Well, to start with, this is a good idea, although unfortunately, I don't like it as much as some of your other stories. (Him, I Think I'm in Love, StoweAway)

Only a couple of comments--you've gotten some good reviews already, and I'll just be repetitive.

"“No buts! Go!”"

This is really cliche. I would try for something else...

"Wolfgang did terrible. He was a very weak boy when he was first bitten. What? You don’t know? Werewolves cannot have babies. The only way for their population to exceed is to bite other people. But, they try not to bite girls, because they can’t hold the werewolf genes very well, but that is another story for another time. "

First of all, "What? You don't know?" sounds awkward. I would change that... maybe just get rid of it, but then this explanation might not make sense... hmm. Second: "But, they try not to bite girls, because they can’t hold the werewolf genes very well, but that is another story for another time. " XD XD XD lol! lol! lol! Like a Star @ heaven Like a Star @ heaven Like a Star @ heaven amazing!!!!!! Hahahaha, that was hilarious.

Overall... I thought that it was pretty good. You could have done the Wolfgang story better, but since it's a bedtime story, it's your choice. I would definitely work with it if it were an important tale, or something found in a book.

Also, this frankly didn't scare me. I'm sorry, since I think that that's what you were going for, but I just wasn't frightened. I guess it wasn't quite graphic enough... maybe it'll be a little scarier later on.

But it's a good idea, and I really liked Landon! (My little cousin's name is Landon...)

One thing I did like was when you had his mom come in when he was getting really freaked out.

I will read more, but I think that this could improve. It definitely has promise though.

Jamon

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Re: Midnight Darkness Prologue (PG-13)

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