Divine Beauty

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Divine Beauty

Post by bigbadbear on Tue Mar 04, 2008 5:56 am

-.- I feel like I'm hogging up the forums, but no one else seems to be posting things. Please guys, post everything you got! I'll be more that happy to read it! Anyways, Divine Beauty is my all time favorite poem that I've ever written. It's a love story of sorts, and kinda vague... anyway, here it is!

_

Beauty is divine...
Beauty can reflect
The woman left inside
That monster of a pit.

Do not be so vain,
That you cannot see,
Everything that lay in sight
Everything... and me.

When I am left alone,
My heart... my life...
Feels so cold.
When you are here with me,
I feel beauty is divine.

When your heart reaches out to me,
I feel the passion, the heat.
Please don't leave me once again,
Stay here with me until the end.

But, alas! You cannot stay,
For the wind has blown you away
Into Heaven, into Hell,
I don't know which,
But I will try
To see you fly
Once again.

Now I know
About your secret between he,
The man who stole your heart
Was not him...
But me.

Shame you had to leave
This perilous world,
And leave me behind
To share the secret
With me.
_

Thanks for reading!

-Jared

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Re: Divine Beauty

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Tue Mar 04, 2008 5:14 pm

That was good. I don't think that your rhythm was quite as good as in "Lissome" (is that what you call it??) or "The Girl I Met Today".

It was kind of odd, because sometimes it felt like you were rhyming, but usually it wasn't.

Beauty is divine...
Beauty can reflect
The woman left inside
That monster of a pit.
No edits on this line.

Do not be so vain,
That you cannot see,
Everything that lay in sight
Everything... and me.
This one rhymes, which kind of doesn't seem to fit. But I guess it works okay...

When I am left alone,
My heart... my life... You lost rhythm on this, I thought.
Feels so cold.
When you are here with me,
I feel beauty is divine. You feel beauty is divine when you're with her? Do you mean just "beauty divine"?
One thing about this stanza was that it's a five-liner. The two before and the one after are all four. I realize that you're not trying to make them the same, but at the start it seems like it should be a four-line-stanza poem.

When your heart reaches out to me,
I feel the passion, the heat. [b]Now this line and the top one kind of rhyme... and even though your rhythm is good, it kind of knocks off the rhythm of other line.

Please don't leave me once again,
Stay here with me until the end.

But, alas! You cannot stay,
For the wind has blown you away Here it's rhyming again... I don't like the rhythm here... maybe "You have been blown away"?
Into Heaven, into Hell, [b]I didn't really understand this......

I don't know which, XD This cracked me up.
But I will try
To see you fly Augh! It's rhyming again... and here it seems like the rhyming is quick and kind of corny, even though it's not forced.
Once again.

Now I know
About your secret between he,
The man who stole your heart
Was not him...
But me. Wait, this stanza confused me. So you are the person who's in love with her? Because I was thinking that you were trying to get her to love you, when she loved someone else. (I realize that this is fiction, I just use the "she, you, and someone else" figuratively. Laughing)

Shame you had to leave
This perilous world,
And leave me behind
To share the secret
With me.
Okay, now I kind of get it... correct me if I'm still confused. You loved her, she loved you, but someone else thought she loved him. Then she died, and because of this other person, you can't tell anyone that you secretly loved each other.

That's what I got out of this.

Overall, your rhythm wasn't that great, and when you rhymed, since you didn't always rhyme, it seemed to kind of mess up the rhythm a little bit. The poem was kind of confusing, so maybe you should try to re-word it so that it is clear by the end of the poem what you're trying to say... and maybe everyone understands it except me, I don't know. Actually, I thought some of these lines would work in a song.

It was good, besides a few rhythm problems, mostly.

Keep writing!

Jamon

(Speaking of poetry... I love the poem in your signature.)

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Re: Divine Beauty

Post by Mark on Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:12 pm

No, it's great of you to post, the forum is just starting to run! I've done a bit of advertising here and there...

Right, on to the poem! I think you told me about this.

My heart... my life..

Good meaning, but yes his loses the flow. Commas would work just as well I would say.

I feel beauty is divine.

I liked the line, but I think a 'your' should fit just before the 'beauty'.

Please don't leave me once again,
.
But, alas! You cannot stay,
For the wind has blown you away
Into Heaven, into Hell,
I don't know which,
But I will try
To see you fly
Once again.

I just have to say how much I am love with that verse!
Very Happy

About your secret between he,

'with' may work better than 'between'.

With me.

Something compels me to say that 'Alone' would fit better. I think it would be more powerful and flow better.

I am not sure if I read that before, but I thought it was a great piece. Aside from a few pointers that I think may help it to work better, I will just say that I loved both the meaning behind it and the way you presented it.

Keep Writing!

~Mark~

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Re: Divine Beauty

Post by bigbadbear on Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:18 am

Hola! Thanks guys.

Okay, now I kind of get it... correct me if I'm still confused. You loved her, she loved you, but someone else thought she loved him. Then she died, and because of this other person, you can't tell anyone that you secretly loved each other.

Um... okay, let me explain it, ok, Wozzel? XD

There is a man and a woman. They fell in love with each other. But, later on, the man discovers that the woman might be in love with another man. But, soon, she woman becomes sick and dies, but just before she dies she reveals that she only loves him.

did that make sense?

This poem isn't supposed to rhyme, and yet it does. I don't know how I made it like that, but I really like it right now. But thanks!

I just have to say how much I am love with that verse!

That's my favorite verse too!

Thanks guys!

-Jared

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I heard a little riddle.
It went something like this:
Verily, if you read this correctly
Your life will be a bliss.
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