Reaper's Song #1 (PG-13)

Go down

Reaper's Song #1 (PG-13)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Wed Mar 05, 2008 5:17 am

This is a light-horror/fantasy story I started writing... yesterday? It takes place in both modern times and medieval.

Reaper’s Song

~Joseph

I walked into my six-year-old son, Daniel’s, room. He was already sitting in his bed, waiting for me to tell him goodnight. But what he said surprised me immensely.

“Daddy?” Daniel asked me.

“Yes?” I replied, sitting down on the bed next to him.

“There’s something in my closet.” Daniel put it very bluntly in front of me.

Many people would not be surprised at a six-year-old saying this, however, I was. My son had a brave heart, and once he laughingly told me that night was his favorite time of day. He had never asked for a nightlight, and always had us turn all the lights off. He loved the dark… and he said that he couldn’t sleep with the light on. Never, at any time, had he given the indication of a fear of childish ‘monsters’.

But maybe childhood nyctophobia had finally caught up with him.

“Do you want me to check under you bed, too?” I asked, halfway joking.

Daniel gave me a puzzled stare. “Why would you look under my bed for something in my closet?”

I was speechless for a moment, but finally I managed to speak. “Oh, I was just joking,” I said. “It’s something that your older sister asked me about when she was young.”

It was then that I knew that it was not a ‘monster’ such as the Boogieman, or anything of the sort that he believed to be in his closet. Daniel was a rational child, and from the truthful look on his face, I began to believe in something-in-the-closet as well.

After a moment, when Daniel said nothing more, I said, “Well, I guess I’ll have a look, then.”

Slowly, almost dreading the moment myself, I walked to the other side of the room, where his closet door was barely opened.

The door creaked open, and I swallowed, now myself quite scared. I could feel a drop of sweat on my brow, and a terrible lump in my throat.

Cut it out! I thought. My son, thirty years younger than me, had shown less fear than I had.

Luckily for my reputation—but terrible for my heart, as it pound-ed harder—there was something in his closet. Or it seemed to be in his closet, but it was far away from me.

It was music.

A lone violin played a melancholy, heart-wrenching song. I felt my shoulder-length hair whip in the wind…

There was wind in his closet.

The wind, seemingly supernatural, tugged at me, pulling me across an empty field, pulling me closer to the music. But as I got closer, the music changed.

It was suddenly fierce, played quickly and loudly. I could hear the bow scrape against the strings, and a scream erupted from someone.

I couldn’t tell if it was from the violin or me… or possibly the musician.

I tried to turn and get away from it, but I couldn’t. I was bourne closer upon the wind. My baggy t-shirt flew into my face, and I struggled to pull it down.

Finally, the wind slowed to a stop, and when I had pulled my shirt off my head, I stared at the ground.

Sitting in that field—which was barren of trees or hills, or any living creature except for me—I saw a violin lying in front of me.

I reached out for it, against my own will, but pulled back when I saw a spark—a tiny spark that flew down the smallest string. I watched it as it danced down one string, and then jumped to the next, three times in a row. When it got to the bottom of the final string, the violin caught on fire.

For the first time, I noticed the grass below me was dry, and it too started to burn immediately.

I jumped up—as fear had now placed my life back into my own hands—and started to run back to where I thought the closet was.

I did not see the door, or any indication of where it might be.

The only thing I saw were the flames that raced at the edge of my vision… I felt my legs start to ache; I felt heat on the back of my neck.

I ran for a long time, but the fire never caught me. I was lucky, for just when I ran out of energy and fell from exhaustion I found the door.

Or rather, I fell through the door.

I fell back through the closet door and landed heavily on the ground, panting.

I heard Daniel yelling for his mom to help.


QUESTIONS:
1) Is this a good start? Are you compelled to continue the story?
2) Description? Where do I need more, where do I need less, how did I do on it?
3) Was this confusing? I thought that this might get kind of confusing, but I want to know from you what you thought about it.
4) What title do you prefer of these?: Reaper's Song; Song of Death; or Song of the Reaper. (The middle is an unlikely title.)


Thanks for reading!

Jamon

_________________
Check out Reaper's Song: http://markcrawford.darkbb.com/other-nonfiction-fanfiction-f14/reaper-s-song-1-pg-13-t28.htm

Become a loser (don't worry, it's a good thing!!): www.losethegame.com

I am... *dramatic silence* Teh Wozzinator! Like, totally king of all forums! lol!

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
avatar
Teh Wozzinator
Admin
Admin

Male
Number of posts : 341
Age : 24
Location : Colorado, USA
Humor : Hahahahaha!! Omigosh, you are AWESOME!! Wait, why do I feel like I answered this wrong????
Registration date : 2008-03-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Reaper's Song #1 (PG-13)

Post by Mark on Wed Mar 05, 2008 8:57 pm

Hi! I am finally getting to it...

Luckily for my reputation—but terrible for my heart, as it pound-ed harder—there was something in his closet. Or it seemed to be in his closet, but it was far away from me.
I would out the '-' in the '-ed'. Also, italicize 'was' and replace the second 'his closet' with 'there'.

I fell back through the closet door and landed heavily on the ground, panting.


Well, that was an interesting story wasn't it? I liked that... feedback questions:

1) Is this a good start? Are you compelled to continue the story?
2) Description? Where do I need more, where do I need less, how did I do on it?
3) Was this confusing? I thought that this might get kind of confusing, but I want to know from you what you thought about it.
4) What title do you prefer of these?: Reaper's Song; Song of Death; or Song of the Reaper. (The middle is an unlikely title.)

1) Yes! Post more! I thought this was avery ctahy beginning, if not a just atiny bit cliche with the music.
2) I think the bit with the violin could do with a little more description. This ia s an intriguing part, and would certainly benfit from more detail.
3) Yes, it was a bit. But let's face it, the MC was confused, so why not us? His POV, so why not ours? I must admit, you did lose me a bit in the music part., it jumped very quickly.
4) Definatley not the middle one. Too cliche, old and cheap. I am a fan of no contractions in titles, so I would say the one on the right. It seems more... civilised.

When did you write this? Anyhow, that was a great sotry and I look foward to more!

~Mark~

_________________
Writers do not write what we all can, but what we can't.

Your friendly Admin Mark.
avatar
Mark
Admin
Admin

Male
Number of posts : 292
Age : 24
Location : UK
Humor : Hehe!
Registration date : 2008-03-02

View user profile http://markcrawford.darkbb.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Reaper's Song #1 (PG-13)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:06 am

Mark, I wrote this... three or four days ago? Also, the reason there's a "-" in "ed" is because it split between the page on Word. I forgot to edit that out here.

_________________
Check out Reaper's Song: http://markcrawford.darkbb.com/other-nonfiction-fanfiction-f14/reaper-s-song-1-pg-13-t28.htm

Become a loser (don't worry, it's a good thing!!): www.losethegame.com

I am... *dramatic silence* Teh Wozzinator! Like, totally king of all forums! lol!

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
avatar
Teh Wozzinator
Admin
Admin

Male
Number of posts : 341
Age : 24
Location : Colorado, USA
Humor : Hahahahaha!! Omigosh, you are AWESOME!! Wait, why do I feel like I answered this wrong????
Registration date : 2008-03-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Reaper's Song #1 (PG-13)

Post by Mark on Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:11 pm

OK.

Nice story!

_________________
Writers do not write what we all can, but what we can't.

Your friendly Admin Mark.
avatar
Mark
Admin
Admin

Male
Number of posts : 292
Age : 24
Location : UK
Humor : Hehe!
Registration date : 2008-03-02

View user profile http://markcrawford.darkbb.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Reaper's Song #1 (PG-13)

Post by summer777 on Sun Mar 09, 2008 8:40 pm

I thought that this story needs a bit more explaining than it already has. The violin caught my interest and the field and stuff, but I was kinda confussed. But, I will keep reading to see what happens. Smile
avatar
summer777
Basic Writer
Basic Writer

Female
Number of posts : 39
Age : 24
Location : On my computer (duh)
Registration date : 2008-03-05

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Reaper's Song #1 (PG-13)

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum