Perverts and Sasquaches (PG)

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Perverts and Sasquaches (PG)

Post by Dreamer on Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:04 pm

Based off a real life event. I'm not to good at writing stories about real life, but here goes. Dreamer's first attempt at writing comedy/humor. Give your thoughts?

____________
After a long, three hour drive, Mom, Suz, and I finally arrived at our cabin in the mountains. We had left a couple days ahead of Dad, who had to stay behind to feed the cows. While we were there, we cleaned up the place. We hadn’t been there in over four months, which was plenty of time for the spiders to make themselves at home. Anyways, after a couple days of that, Dad called to say he was on his way. About three hours later, I looked up from my text book to hear someone banging on the cabin. I don’t know if any of you know about the cabin, but if you so much as walk with a heavy step, you shake the whole place, all 800 sq. feet of it. And here someone was banging on it. It was like a man made earthquake!

Laughing, Mom went to the door. This was just the sort of thing Dad would do to get a laugh out of us, and he was coming up that day.
“Helloooo?” she called, still laughing.

“ROBERT! Robert! Robert! Robert!” we hear someone squawk. It most certainly was not my dad, and it was coming from under our deck. Under our deck. Why in the world was someone squawking under our deck? I was working on a quiz in the other room, away from people, so I only got the audio of the situation. Regardless of my not seeing her body language, I knew Mom well enough to know exactly what she was thinking: Oh crap.

“Robert! Nowhesoldmechickensandandandand-nowweneedtodisscussthis!”

I poke my head out the door and get Suz’s attention before signing to her, ‘What in the world? Who is this?” She signs back that now is not the time. She’s grinning from ear to ear like she knows something I don’t, which I’m pretty sure she does.. She was in the living room, which is the room that the front door opens up into. So she had the perfect view of the situation, unlike me.

“I’mgetting-andIgotadozen-adozeneggstodayfromthese-thosechickens!”

“Oh yeah?” my mom said, using the tone she uses when she’s ready to end the conversation. “Well, Robert will be home soon so I’ll tell him you stopped-”

“Oh no! He’s here. Hefollowedmeuphereandnowhe’shere! Butweneedtodisscussthesechickens!”

I raise my eyebrows at Suz. Normally, when we sell an animal, she’s the one who makes sure they’re going to a good home. Even if it’s something like a chicken which will likely end up dinner, she makes sure. And she and Dad sold their chickens to this guy? She gives me a look that tells me to go back to my test, but in a way that’s says ‘haha, I know something you don’t’. So my sister keeps me wondering for a while.
Eventually Dad comes up the drive way. Taking his presence as an invitation, he hops inside the cabin, leaving mom to look from Dad to him and back to Dad. Dad just shrugs and apologetic shrug. They come in and Mom invites the guy to sit down, but by now it’s clear that he’s much too hyper to sit down. I poke my head out again and get my first glimpse of the man. He looks like he’s in his sixties and has a long beard, and I mean long. I later find out that he only shaves once a year, and that was the reason his face was hidden under a scratchy mass of hair. He, Mom, and Dad talk, and pretty soon Suz comes in with me. The door’s open, and we’re in plain sight to anyone who wants to see us. Eventually, the guy start hopping from time while he’s talking, and one of those hops lands him in front of the door to where Suz and I are. He starts to hop again, still talking, but suddenly freezes and looks at me.

“You got pretty hair. Don’t ever cut it. The boys’ll go absolutely nuts over your hair. Keep it long!”

And then he goes on talking about what he was talking about before, hopping away and leaving me to blink at the empty door way.

“You-you-you-you-you- what’s your name?” he finally asks my Mom. Before she can answer, Dad cuts in.

“Bob.”

“Bob? Alright then, see here, Bob, this here is-”

Mom busts up laughing. “Rachael!” she says, but I don’t think the guy heard her.

Eventually, Dad decides enough is enough and that it’s time to get this guy out of the cabin. To do this, he turned to the one topic that every person in this town loves to talk about: beer.

“We need to go to the bar.” He says, herding the guy towards the door.

“We ARE going to the bar!” The guy says, sounding on the brink of having a heart attack at the idea that they might not go to the bar.

“I know. We’re going to the bar.” Dad reassures him, sandwhihcing him between his body and the door.

“Oh, well do you want me to drive you? My tractor is right next to your driveway.”

“No, that’s fine. I’ll take my truck.” Dad says, reaching for the door handle and effectively walling the guy in.

The guy ducks under Dad’s arm and gives Mom the evil eye.

“Now, we can take my tractor so that somebody doesn’t get in trouble!” Dad smiles and gets behind the guy again, once again sandwiching him between himself and the door.

“I won’t get in trouble. My wife has a car. She can come and get me if I need her to.” He says, reaching for the door again, and once more walling the guy in.

“But what about the girls? Who’s gonna watch them?”

“I’m sure they’ll be-”

“You can’t leave these beautiful young girls alone here with perverts and Sasquatches in the woods!” He roared, jumping away from dad again and coming over to Suz and me, giving us the evil eye now. Dad casts his gaze heavenward.

“Girls! Let me tell you something!” and he goes on to talk about his Valentine’s Day this year and last year. I’m sure there’s a moral somewhere in his story, but for the life of me, I still can’t find it.

Dad once again herds the guy to the door, and this time manages to get the guy out. He quickly closed it behind them before the guy can jump back in, and that was the last I saw of the Chicken man.
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Re: Perverts and Sasquaches (PG)

Post by Mark on Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:09 pm

Hiya! Have I read any of your other work? I don't think so, but still;

“ROBERT! Robert! Robert! Robert!”
When you read this, it sounds very montone like; like a broken CD. I would recommend swapping the first two and cutting off the last two.

thinking: Oh
Corrections:
thinking; oh

we hear someone
'heard'

I poke my head out the door and get Suz’s attention before signing to her
This is a change in tense. Change 'poke' to 'poked'.

I raise my eyebrows at Suz. Normally, when we sell an animal, she’s the one who makes sure they’re going to a good home. Even if it’s something like a chicken which will likely end up dinner, she makes sure. And she and Dad sold their chickens to this guy? She gives me a look that tells me to go back to my test, but in a way that’s says ‘haha, I know something you don’t’. So my sister keeps me wondering for a while.
Eventually Dad comes up the drive way. Taking his presence as an invitation, he hops inside the cabin, leaving mom to look from Dad to him and back to Dad. Dad just shrugs and apologetic shrug. They come in and Mom invites the guy to sit down, but by now it’s clear that he’s much too hyper to sit down. I poke my head out again and get my first glimpse of the man. He looks like he’s in his sixties and has a long beard, and I mean long. I later find out that he only shaves once a year, and that was the reason his face was hidden under a scratchy mass of hair. He, Mom, and Dad talk, and pretty soon Suz comes in with me. The door’s open, and we’re in plain sight to anyone who wants to see us. Eventually, the guy start hopping from time while he’s talking, and one of those hops lands him in front of the door to where Suz and I are. He starts to hop again, still talking, but suddenly freezes and looks at me.

Quickly read through this. There are a LOT of tense changes. I have underlined them. Having said that, they may have been deliberate, in which you should change the start to past tense.

General Impressions

After reading that, I thought that story didn't really draw me in. I felt there was no storyline really, and it was a set, with nothing in it. Tidy up the grammar and you'll be fine there. You are clearly not a bad writer, but I think you just lack people's interest.

The writing wasn't bad, but remember, without plot, a story is nothing. What do things look like? What does your MC feel? These are standrad traits that I am sure you can fix.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, but keep at it! Post some more and let me know!

~Mark~

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Re: Perverts and Sasquaches (PG)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:03 pm

Edits in bold.

Dreamer wrote:Based off a real life event. I'm not to good at writing stories about real life, but here goes. Dreamer's first attempt at writing comedy/humor. Give your thoughts?

____________
After a long, three hour drive, Mom, Suz, and I finally arrived at our cabin in the mountains. We had left a couple days ahead of Dad, who had to stay behind to feed the cows. While we were there, we cleaned up the place. We hadn’t been there in over four months, which was plenty of time for the spiders to make themselves at home. Anyways, This "anyways" seems really out of place. after a couple days of that, Dad called to say he was on his way. About three hours later, I looked up from my text book to hear someone banging on the cabin. I don’t know if any of you know about the cabin, but if you so much as walk with a heavy step, you shake the whole place, all 800 sq. feet of it. That was kind of funny. And here someone was banging on it. It was like a man made earthquake!

Laughing, Mom went to the door. This was just the sort of thing Dad would do to get a laugh out of us, and he was coming up that day.
“Helloooo?” she called, still laughing.

“ROBERT! Robert! Robert! Robert!” I would capitalize the last one, so that he gets louder when no one answers. we hear Tense change? someone squawk. It most certainly was not Here you do it again... my dad, and it was coming from under our deck. Under our deck. Why in the world was someone squawking under our deck? I was working on a quiz in the other room, away from people, so I only got the audio of the situation. Regardless of my not seeing her body language, I knew Mom well enough to know exactly what she was thinking: Oh crap.

“Robert! Nowhesoldmechickensandandandand-nowweneedtodisscussthis!” At first, I thought this was kind of dumb, but after the dash, it sounded really funny. Love the "discuss this" part.

I poke Tense change again. my head out the door and get Suz’s attention before signing to her, ‘What in the world? Who is this?” She signs back that now is not the time. She’s grinning from ear to ear like she knows something I don’t, which I’m pretty sure she does.. She was in the living room, which is the room that the front door opens up into. So she had the perfect view of the situation, unlike me.

“I’mgetting-andIgotadozen-adozeneggstodayfromthese-thosechickens!” Lol!

“Oh yeah?” my mom said, using the tone she uses when she’s ready to end the conversation. “Well, Robert will be home soon so I’ll tell him you stopped-”

“Oh no! He’s here. Hefollowedmeuphereandnowhe’shere! Butweneedtodisscussthesechickens!” XD XD XD DISCUSS IT, PEOPLE!! XD

I raise my eyebrows at Suz. Normally, when we sell an animal, she’s the one who makes sure they’re going to a good home. Even if it’s something like a chicken which will likely end up dinner, she makes sure. And she and Dad sold their chickens to this guy? She gives me a look that tells me to go back to my test, but in a way that’s says ‘haha, In writing, it should be two words. (Ha, ha--yes, I know it looks boring. Laughing ) I know something you don’t’. So my sister keeps me wondering for a while.
Eventually Dad comes up the drive way. No space needed--driveway is one word. Taking his presence as an invitation, he hops inside the cabin, XD leaving mom to look from Dad to him and back to Dad. Dad just shrugs and apologetic shrug. They come in and Mom invites the guy to sit down, but by now it’s clear that he’s much too hyper to sit down. I poke my head out again and get my first glimpse of the man. He looks like he’s in his sixties and has a long beard, and I mean long. I later find out that he only shaves once a year, and that was the reason his face was hidden under a scratchy mass of hair. He, Mom, and Dad talk, and pretty soon Suz comes in with me. The door’s open, and we’re in plain sight to anyone who wants to see us. Eventually, the guy start hopping from time while he’s talking, and one of those hops lands him in front of the door to where Suz and I are. He starts to hop again, still talking, but suddenly freezes and looks at me.

“You got pretty hair. Don’t ever cut it. The boys’ll go absolutely nuts over your hair. Keep it long!” That made me laugh...

And then he goes on talking about what he was talking about before, hopping away and leaving me to blink at the empty door way.

“You-you-you-you-you- what’s your name?” he finally asks my Mom. Before she can answer, Dad cuts in.

“Bob.” Roflmho! (Rolling on the floor laughing my head off)

“Bob? Alright then, see here, Bob, this here is-”

Mom busts up Busts up isn't a correct form... laughing. “Rachael!” she says, but I don’t think the guy heard her.

Eventually, Dad decides enough is enough and that it’s time to get this guy out of the cabin. To do this, he turned to the one topic that every person in this town loves to talk about: beer.

“We need to go to the bar.” He says, herding the guy towards the door.

“We ARE going to the bar!” The guy says, sounding on the brink of having a heart attack at the idea that they might not go to the bar. LOL!!!!

“I know. We’re going to the bar.” Dad reassures him, sandwhihcing Sandwiching him between his body and the door.

“Oh, well do you want me to drive you? My tractor is right next to your driveway.”

“No, that’s fine. I’ll take my truck.” Dad says, reaching for the door handle and effectively walling the guy in.

The guy ducks under Dad’s arm and gives Mom the evil eye.

“Now, we can take my tractor so that somebody doesn’t get in trouble!” Dad smiles and gets behind the guy again, once again sandwiching him between himself and the door.

“I won’t get in trouble. My wife has a car. She can come and get me if I need her to.” He says, reaching for the door again, and once more walling the guy in.

“But what about the girls? Who’s gonna watch them?”

“I’m sure they’ll be-”

“You can’t leave these beautiful young girls alone here with perverts and Sasquatches in the woods!” That was great! He roared, jumping away from dad again and coming over to Suz and me, giving us the evil eye now. Dad casts his gaze heavenward.

“Girls! Let me tell you something!” and he goes on to talk about his Valentine’s Day this year and last year. I’m sure there’s a moral somewhere in his story, but for the life of me, I still can’t find it.

Dad once again herds the guy to the door, and this time manages to get the guy out. He quickly closed it behind them before the guy can jump back in, and that was the last I saw of the Chicken man.

Okay, at the start of this story I thought that this was really corny, and kind of dumb. At the end, I thought that it was hilarious.

Great job.

Did this actually happen to you? Or something similar? XD Weird...

Mostly, you need to work on tense changes, but Mark took care of that.

I like the idea... is it going to be continued? I wouldn't expect it to be, but I'm curious.

Jamon


Last edited by Teh Wozzinator on Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:03 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Forgot to sign my name)

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