Reaper's Song #2

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Reaper's Song #2

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Thu Mar 06, 2008 10:49 pm

~The Windshark

It was a calm night aboard the Windshark, so the Captain had everyone get a few hours of sleep. The sky was clear, and the wind light, so he left the navigator and the lookout above, and rested himself for a while.

There had been no clouds in the sky when the crew had gone below, but as the lookout waited and watched the waves that stretched around him, a cloud seemed to unfold from the stars.

The lookout glanced up at it, and saw that it was a gray—except it seemed to be shiny, like a dark silvery color. After a moment, he glanced at it again, and noticed that it was quickly getting darker. He stood up to watch, entranced by it. It started to spin, like a whirlpool in the sky. He watched it until it darkened to black, and then it stopped moving. It was still for a few seconds, and he drew closer to it… but suddenly, a single bolt of lightning flashed down from it, crashing into the sea next to the Windshark.

A huge wave was created, and it rose until it was towering over the ship. The lookout noticed then that he was standing at the very edge of the crow’s-nest… too close.

The wave slammed into the side of the ship, and the Windshark started to rock. The lookout was thrown from the mast, and landed, screaming, in the water heavily.

By that time, the crew had been awakened, and they ran to the deck.

The navigator saw the wave as well. When it crashed over the upper deck—his current place of residence—he was thrown from the pedestal on which he stood to steer the ship. The guiding wheel whipped around as the navigator was tossed away from it, and the ship was sent into a whirl. The navigator turned back towards the wheel as the ship was righted… then the navigator screamed. There was a huge shark aboard the deck, using its fins to push towards the navigator.

With shaking hands, the navigator struggled to pull out his knife. The shark was halfway along the upper deck by that time, so the navigator scuttled backwards. The deck railing on the ship stopped the navigator, and he couldn’t do anything but watch, as slowly the shark got closer.

Then another huge wave hit the deck, and the shark was raised above the deck. He fell back down and crashed into the navigator, who could feel his arm break as the shark landed on it. Then the wave hurled them both over the edge of the Windshark.

As he hit the water, the navigator thought that he heard a song—a sad song—sung in a merman’s voice.

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Re: Reaper's Song #2

Post by Mark on Sun Mar 09, 2008 9:23 pm

I don't why this has taken so long to get to:

crashing into the sea
Does a bolt 'crash' into the sea? I would use 'struck' or something like that.

A huge wave was created
This just sounds dull, and inactive. Try, "Suddenly a huge wave arose in suit."

Then another huge wave hit the deck, and the shark was raised above the deck.

General Impressions

This story is very interesting so far. I am left wondering where this will go. Aside from some of the sentences being a bit dull, as I have said above, I thought that you made an alright job. I emphasise 'alright' though, as some of this seemed a bit 'cause to effect' type of scene. Then this, then that. I would say, just try and focus on one character a bit more. The navigator sees this wave, so what does he think? His arm breaks, does it hurt? Make sure you post some more of this, and I very interested on where you are taking it.

Keep writing!

Writers do not write what we all can, but what we can't.

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