One Good that came from Crime (PG-13)

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One Good that came from Crime (PG-13)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:18 am

Okay, this was my most popular poem on YWS, so I'm posting it here too.

One Good that came from Crime

There’s a lady from the supermarket
Sits at the counter by aisle ten.
She puts a twenty
In the cash drawer
And deals out change
For a Cherryfield Smoked Ham.
The next customer
Holds nothing in his hands
So the lady asks him,
“Can I help you, sir?”
He pulls out a gun
And he growls
At her pretty face,
Which is white from terror,
“All the money, now!”
Quickly she obeys.

--

A little boy
Stands alone
In the street.
He’s begging, begging
For food,
Or for money
So that he can eat.
A tear rolls down his cheek
As once again he’s refused,
Pushed away worthlessly.
A man runs around the corner
He has a gun in one hand
And a bulging pocket
On his other side.
A police arrives
And the man yells,
“Out of the way!”
He reaches up with the pistol
And the boy turns to run.
He hears a gunshot
And suddenly falls to the ground.

--

Lieutenant James
Jumps out of his car
And sees the thief
Running quickly away.
Sees the homeless boy
Sees the man raise his gun…
The lieutenant draws his own.

--

The lady from the supermarket
Sees the police arrive.
She runs outside
And starts to tell
All that happened inside.
The lieutenant brushes
Her out of the way
And simply says,
“It’s done.”
The lady turns to look.

--

A few moments later
The little boy stands up.
He kicks away the box
That he had tripped on.
He sees yellow tape
The robber lying on the ground…
Police searching through his clothes…
The boy’s eyes grow wet
A teardrop quivers on his lip.
He thinks sadly
Why did my parents
Leave me here like this?
And for the first time in ages
He is suddenly comforted.
A hand grabs his own
And he looks up to see
The lady from the supermarket,
Who sits at the counter by aisle ten.


Mark, I have a question... is this the same one work a day rules??

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Re: One Good that came from Crime (PG-13)

Post by bigbadbear on Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:42 am

Hey, Wozzel!

This was a fantastic poem. I mean it. I don't believe that I read it on YWS, but I'm glad that I've read it. It's a cool poem; I like everything that you included. The only thing that I have to say is that you don't have to capitalize every line. I know that on MC Word, it capitalizes it for you, but you don't have to.

But that is always your desicion!

We don't often see story poems, and I think that this was very well crafted.

Great job!

-Jared
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Thanks!

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:21 am

Thanks for reading, BBB. I know that you don't have to caps every line, but I do it anyways.... I guess it's partly because I've read mostly older poetry, where they caps every line, so that's the way I do it.
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Re: One Good that came from Crime (PG-13)

Post by Mark on Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:53 pm

Mark, I have a question... is this the same one work a day rules??

Since it has just started, I will say no for the time being. I need as many posts as possible to kick off the forum. As soon as we have enough members, I will add it to rules and yes, that will be the case.

I am not sure if I read it on YWS, I might have actually. Still, let's see;


There’s a lady from the supermarket
Sits at the counter by aisle ten.

I know it is a poem, but I think you should put 'she sits'. It may flow a bit better.

Which is white from terror,

The opposite here, lol. I would suggest taking out the 'Which is' and just put 'it's'. Potery isn't my forte, but just a suggestion.

I really liked the rest! It was very ctahy and I like the theme. Others may disagree but I would say your use of description was well used and not too over the top.

Great! Keep writing!

~Mark~

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