Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

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Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

Post by Beatle on Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:49 am

This is the first chapter of the story that I'm writing... um, I catagorize it as a fantasy/romance/adventure novela, so, I just stuck it here... hope you enjoy it! I'd like two questions answered though: What did you like most about this chapter? And who is your favorite character so far? Thank you!!


Gareth walked into his new room within the castle walls and looked around. He smiled crookedly saying to himself, "I could get used to a new life." He lay down his pack on his narrow bed and looked out the large window on the wall. It faced west, bathing his room in glowing reds and purples of the setting sun. He chewed on his upper lip and nodded, a slight grin on his face.

Someone knocked on the servants door to his room and asked, "May I come in Page Gareth?"

Gareth grinned at the new thought of being a page in the castle, "Yes, you may," he tried to be polite, even if the person was only a servant.

A lean, sun-tanned man walked into the room holding bed sheets. He had stunning features for a servant: a stubborn pointed chin, snow-white hair, sharp cheek bones, and coal-black eyes. "Good earli-even Master Gareth. My name is Tevik and I will be serving you while you spend your time here at the castle." He put the sheets down on Gareth's bed. "Is there anything I can get you before dinner?"

"No thanks Tevik, I'll unpack and everything, then I'm going to down to dinner. You're free to come and check on me afterwards though."

Tevik smiled, "Yes, Master Gareth." He bowed and left through the way he came.

Gareth stood in front of his full-length mirror on the wall by his wardrobe. He ran his fingers through his mid-neck length dark-brown hair, and straightened the light-tan tunic he wore on his way over to the castle. The trip was a long one, considering that he lived on the other side of the mountains that ran through the country of Lindoen. "Maybe I should wash up," he muttered to himself.

He quickly went into the small room that served as his dressing room and privy. He changed into a silver tunic with a scarlet under shirt and breeches, the colors of his family's crest and flag.

He looked over himself in the mirror again and flattened his hair. His bright teal eyes wondered over his face and down his short nose. He sighed, Life's going to be so different. He thought, then smiled, I want to be a knight so much! Just the thought of doing something heroic for King Roderick is… is amazing!

A loud bell rang three times from outside signaling that it was time for dinner. "Food." Gareth licked his lips as his stomach growled. He walked out of his room and followed a small group of about six other boys through twisting hallways and down a winding staircase. They walked into the Great Hall and the boys went straight to the King and Queen's table were dukes and counts alike sat with their wives. There were two tables on the side of the King's that were perpendicular to it, forming a large open square. At these tables sat about thirty knights, fifteen at each table. The boys stopped in the middle of the tables and bowed deeply to the King and Queen.

Gareth saw King Roderick smile and watched him stand up. He flashed with the royal colors of green and midnight blue, his ermine trimmed cloak made him look bigger than he really was. He had jet-black hair flecked with silver and his eyes matched the bright green of his silk tunic. His queen matched him with a green gown that had midnight blue trimming.

"Good even, my newest pages!" the King's voice boomed, "We are all very glad you have decided to join us in this court. You're work begins tomorrow evening, so for now enjoy the luxuries around the castle. Now, go have a seat and enjoy the evening meal." He waved his hand to beyond one of the knights' tables.

Gareth followed the King's hand and smiled as he saw another large table filled with more boys, all of which were squires and older pages. He looked at the older boys with awe, and he thought, Now I really can't wait!

The young pages found seats at the table and all of the boys began talking away. Gareth smiled at a few of them and dipped his spoon into the soup sitting in front of him. He didn't really feel like eating hot soup, more like cold turkey with warm cream gravy; hopefully they would have that at the table.

"William," a page across the table from Gareth called to another page sitting beside Gareth.

"What is it James?" the boy called William answered.

"We're missing a member," James spoke then looked to the empty seat beside him. He was of average build, had cropped red hair, and his auburn-hazel eyes glinted with a hint of mischief.

William whipped his head around getting his blonde hair into his ice blue eyes, "Who?" He was a big fellow who had broad shoulders and looked to be about a hands' width taller than James and Gareth.

A boy sitting next to James spoke up, "The Duke's daughter William," he said exasperatedly.

"Right you are David!" James patted the boy's shoulder.

As soon as Gareth heard the name David, he looked up. There sat a boy who looked just like his father, with jet-black hair, cool green eyes and a fit body for only a boy of twelve. "Prince David," he whispered ever so slightly.

"Hey, you there!" Gareth was snapped out of his phase to see the boy named James tapping the table in front of him. "Hey you, what's your name?"

"Erm, Gareth of Danton," Gareth hesitated.

"Well Gareth," James began, "I'm James of Greenloch, that's William of Loring." He pointed to William, then his hand motioned towards David, "And this is Prince David of Condahl."

Gareth was about to get up and bow when the Prince spoke, "No need to bow, I consider myself like any other noble at the moment Gareth," Prince David motioned for him to sit and leaned over the table to whisper, "Not like a prince."

"Oh, erm, r-right Prince David."

"My friends call me David or Dave."

"Alright." Gareth nodded, assuming that the prince was calling him a friend, "Sounds good, David."

David raised his eyebrows, grinned, and dipped his head acknowledging that this was the right thing to say.

"Anyways," James sighed, "Gareth, have you seen a girl your age, maybe a year older, with reddish-brown hair that’s short, she's probably wearing a purple tunic?"

Gareth was about to shake his head when William added, "She may be wearing a gown or dress."

"I've only seen her in a gown at royal balls or on holidays," David butted in.

"True," James was saying, "She's not too fond of dresses."

"Uh, fellas?" Gareth interrupted to grab their attention, "I haven't seen this girl anywhere."

"Oh." David's face was blank, then he shrugged and dug into his baked potato, "She never misses dinner, maybe she was practicing."

"Or flirting." William then promptly stuffed a roll in his mouth.

David and James both glared at him then looked around the table, "Only her and Mera are missing," James spoke.

"That means Lord Kadyn kept them overtime." David pointed to the lord's empty seat. "Told ya she was practicing!"

"Hey," William swallowed his roll, "You know as well as I do that that girl will flirt with any boy who's willing to talk to her."

"Who's this girl we're talking about?" Gareth asked curiously while grabbing a piece of turkey.

"She's the-" One of the boys began.

Suddenly, the Great Hall's doors were slammed open and a stout, well muscled man that looked to be in his thirties marched in. He was closely followed by two girls; one with medium length blonde hair, grey-blue eyes, and a square jaw, she was very tall and gangly. The other girl was half a head shorter than her companion and less skinny, yet her curves seemed to be in all of the right places. Her red-brown hair fell delicately around her oval face and her eyes were a stunning amethyst purple.

"Who're they?" Gareth's eyes were wide.

"Well, the man," William started, "that's Lord Kadyn of King's Mount, the hand-to-hand combat master and trainer."

"The blonde is Mera of Mirrorlake." James pointed out.

"And the other girl is Aislinn of Trellum, Duke Giles's daughter," David said, head in hands.

Gareth's eyes followed Aislinn and Mera as they went up to King Roderick's table and bowed. He noticed that Aislinn's father was eyeing her in a sour way. Wonder why? His mind asked him. He watched as the king dismissed the girls and asked the Lord to join his table. King's Mount looks brutal. I guess he has to be to put up with all of us. He told himself.

Gareth felt a hard slam against the table to the front of him and heard a plate being scrapped against the table's wooded surface to the right of him. He looked up to see purple irises staring at him and froze. He took a deep breath and looked down at his plate, why'd he have to be so shy?

"Who's he?" He heard a voice ask.

"One of the new pages like you Aislinn. His name's Gareth of Danton." James's thick tenor accent rolled.

Gareth looked up to see purple and grey-blue eyes on him, "He seems shy." Mera's voice was very sing-songy.

"I'm not shy!" Gareth's brows furrowed, "I just don't know what to say."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." The purple eyes glared at him, "You got something to say to us girls?" Her last word was like venom that poisoned Gareth.

"No, not really." He shrugged, "I don't mind if girls are here to learn to be dragonmasters, it's not in my place to say who trains and who doesn't."

"Excuse me?"

"Now Aislinn, he's right." Mera turned to Gareth while Aislinn's mouth gaped open at what her friend had just said. "You see Gareth," her song-like voice began, "Aislinn isn't here to be just a dragonmaster."

"She's not?" Gareth was completely confused.

"No." The older girl said patiently, "She defied her father and came here, not just to be a dragonmaster but to also train with the boys on how to be a page. I, on the other hand, am only here to be a dragonmaster." She answered Gareth's next question.

Gareth turned to Aislinn, "A knight," he repeated.

"Yes, a knight you dolt!" Aislinn retorted.

Gareth bobbed his head in a small nod and looked at David, James, and William. All of them were staring at him and Aislinn, but when he looked over to them they turned very quickly and shoved food into their mouths. Aislinn and Mera seem like such different people. He sighed, I'm gonna need the whole story. He took a bite of turkey, And for the whole story I'm gonna need to ask one of these fellas.


Last edited by Beatle on Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:38 am; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

Post by telana_kiarr on Fri Mar 28, 2008 2:42 am

Okay, just to be fair, I'm going to critique your story just as I would any other story. All my comments are in bold.

Beatle wrote:This is the first chapter of the story that I'm writing... um, I catagorize it as a fantasy/romance/adventure novela, so, I just stuck it here... hope you enjoy it! I'd like two questions answered though: What did you like most about this chapter? And who is your favorite character so far? Thank you!!
<pretty much, this whole story is formatted wrong for online story. You're not going to want to indent every paragraph; instead you'll want to skip lines in between each paragraph>
<Starts off randomly. Might want a prologue explaining the difficult journey, what he left behind, etc.>Gareth walked into his new room within the castle walls and looked around. He shrugged saying to himself, "Good enough."<Shrugging makes it seem like he's not in a castle; unless he was living in better conditions, this makes it seem like he's a bit haughty> He lay down his pack on his narrow bed and looked out the large window on the wall. It faced west, bathing his room in glowing reds and purples of the setting sun. He chewed on his upper lip and nodded, a slight grin on his face.<LOVE this imagery!>
Someone knocked on the servants door to his room and asked, "May I come in<,> my lord?"
Gareth grinned, he always liked being called 'my lord'. <Is he used to being called this?> "Yes, you may," he tried to be polite, even if the person was only a servant.
A lean, sun-tanned man walked into the room holding bed sheets. He had stunning features for a servant<:> a stubborn pointed chin, snow-white hair, sharp cheek bones, and coal-black eyes. "Good earli-even<I'm not familiar with Old English, so I'm not sure if that's correct or not> Master Gareth. My name is Tevik and I will be serving you while you spend your time here at the castle." He put the sheets down on Gareth's bed<.> "Is there anything I can get you before dinner?"
"No thanks Tevik, I think I can handle myself till after dinner. <Is Gareth naturally sarcastic?> You're free to come and check on me after<wards> though."
Tevik smiled, "Yes<,> Master Gareth." He bowed and left through the way he came.
Gareth stood in front of his full-length mirror on the wall by his clothes drawers <would change this to wardrobe; just makes more sense and is easier to say>. He ran his fingers through his mid-neck length dark-brown hair, and straightened the light-tan tunic he wore on his way over to the castle. The trip was a long one, considering that he lived on the other side of the mountains that ran through the country of Lindoen. "Maybe I should wash up." <would be good to put something like, "he muttered" after he says that.>
He quickly went into the small room that served as his dressing room and privy. He changed into a silver tunic with a scarlet under shirt and breeches, the colors of his family's crest and flag. <Prologue could esplain this better...>
He looked over himself in the mirror again and flattened his hair. He looked at himself <this is kinda repetitive, might not need to be included> and noticed that he was very pale, "At least I'm more down south where they get less snow and more sun.<unnecessary>" His bright teal eyes w<a>ndered over his face and down his short nose. He sighed, Life is going to be so much more <sorry, but the english freak in me just cringes at "much more"; just "so different" would work> different. He thought, then smiled, I want to be a knight so much! <Why does he want to be a knight? To make his father proud? To prove something to himself?>
A loud bell rang three times from outside signaling that it was time for dinner. "Food?"<Why is he questioning?> Gareth mumbled as his stomach growled. He walked out of his room and followed a small group of about six other boys <how old is Gareth?> through twisting hallways and down a winding staircase. They walked into the Great Hall and the boys went straight to the King and Queen's table were dukes and counts alike sat with their wives. There were two tables on the side of the King's that were perpendicular to it, forming a large open square. At these tables sat about thirty knights, fifteen at each table. The boys stopped in the middle of the tables and bowed deeply to the King and Queen.
Gareth saw the King smile and watched him stand up. He flashed with the royal colors of green and midnight blue, his ermine trimmed cloak made him look bigger than he really was. He had jet-black hair flecked with silver and his eyes matched the bright green of his silk tunic. His queen matched him with a green gown that had midnight blue trimming<good description>.
"Good even<,> my newest pages!" the King's voice boomed, "We are all very glad you have decided to join us in this court. You're work begins tomorrow evening, so for now enjoy the luxuries around the castle. Now, go have a seat and enjoy the evening meal." He waved his hand to beyond one of the knights' tables.
Gareth followed the King's hand and smiled as he saw another large table filled with more boys, all of which were squires and older pages. He looked at the older boys with aw<e>, <might want to add, "and he thought">Now I really can't wait!
The young pages found seats at the table and all of the boys began talking away. Gareth smiled at a few of them and dipped his spoon into the soup sitting in front of him. He didn't much feel like hot soup, more like cold turkey with warm cream gravy<lol, does he feel as in texture? Or does he feel like having...?>; hopefully they would have that at the table.
"William," a second-year page across the table from Gareth called to a third-year page sitting beside Gareth.
"What is it James?" the boy called William answered.
"We're missing a member," James spoke then looked to the empty seat beside him.
William whipped his head around getting his blonde hair into his eyes, "Who?"
A boy sitting next to James spoke up, "The Duke's daughter, William," he said exasperatedly.
"Right you are David!" James patted the boy's shoulder.
As soon as Gareth heard the name David, he looked up. <Ooh! I have a feeling that it's important that David looks like his father...>There sat a boy who looked just like his father, with jet-black hair and cool green eyes. "Prince David," he whispered ever so slightly.
"Hey, you there!" Gareth was snapped out of his phase to see the boy named James tapping the table in front of him. "Hey you, what's your name?"
"Erm, Gareth of Danton," Gareth hesitated.
"Well Gareth," James began, "I'm James of Greenloch, that's William of Loring." He pointed to William, then his hand motioned towards David, "And this is Prince David of Condahl."
Gareth was about to get up and bow when the Prince spoke, "No need to bow, I'm within informal boundaries<I don't really get what that means> at the moment Gareth," Prince David motioned for him to sit.
"Oh, erm, r-right Prince David."
"My friends call me David or Dave."
"Alright." Gareth nodded, assuming that the prince was calling him a friend, "Sounds good, David."
David raised his eyebrows, grinned, <*melts* (I'm assuming he's cute...)> and dipped his head acknowledging that this was the right thing to say.
"Anyways," James sighed, "Gareth, have you seen a girl your age, maybe a year older, with reddish-brown hair that’s short, she's probably wearing a purple tunic?"
Gareth was about to shake his head when William added, "She may be wearing a gown."
"I've only seen her in a gown at royal balls or on holidays," David butted in.
"True," James was saying <sounds like this was happening while Gareth was thinking, or something>, "She's not too fond of dresses."
"Uh, fellas?" Gareth interrupted to grab their attention, "I haven't seen this girl anywhere."
"Oh." David's face was blank, then he shrugged and dug into his baked potato, "She never misses dinner, maybe she was practicing."
"Or flirting." William then promptly stuffed a roll in his mouth.
David and James both glared at him then looked around the table, "Only her and Mera are missing," James spoke.
"That means Lord Kadyn kept them overtime." David pointed to the lord's empty seat. "Told ya she was practicing!"
"Hey," William swallowed his roll, "You know as well as I do that that girl will flirt with any boy who's willing to talk to her."
"Who's this girl we're talking about?" Gareth asked curiously while grabbing a piece of turkey.
"She's the-" One of the boys began.
Suddenly, the Great Hall's doors were slammed open <how convenient> and a stout, well muscled man that looked to be in his thirties marched in. He was closely followed by two girls; one with medium length blonde hair, grey-blue eyes, and a square jaw, she was very tall and gangly. The other girl was half a head shorter than her companion and less skinny, yet her curves seemed to be in all of the right places. Her red-brown hair fell delicately around her oval face and her eyes were a stunning amethyst purple <purple eyes? Cool!>.
"Who're they?" Gareth's eyes were wide.
"Well, the man," William started, "that's Lord Kadyn of King's Mount, the hand-to-hand combat master and trainer."
"The blonde is Mera of Mirrorlake." James pointed out.
"And the other girl…" David began.
All three boys spoke in a day-dreaming tone, "Aislinn of Trellum, the Duke's daughter."<That was corny...aka a no-no.>

Not bad, but it definitely needs some work. Please don't get discouraged, I'm just trying to improve writing ability. It's obvious that you're creative enough to come up with your own universe, now we just need to redefine your writing skills.
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Re: Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

Post by Beatle on Fri Mar 28, 2008 4:31 am

Yeah... I'm very bad at punctuation, where commas go and what not. XD
Thanks for the crit! I shall edit more! I knew I needed to edit some stuff, it's just, no one was willing to take the time to look over the chapter and tell me what I needed to do. -shrugs-

I shall take the time to edit these things. And you're not discouraging me at all! No never! You shall be one of my editors, because you gave me some good tips. Thank you again Tel! Much appreciated for actually reading this!
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Re: Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

Post by telana_kiarr on Fri Mar 28, 2008 4:35 am

No prob, Bob...
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Re: Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:06 am

I can't respond to this yet, but I'd like to say: could you please include a rating in the title? Also, more people will read this if you put a space in between each paragraph. Indents on paragraphs don't work online.

I'll get to this as soon as I can.

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I am... *dramatic silence* Teh Wozzinator! Like, totally king of all forums! lol!

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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Re: Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

Post by Beatle on Sat Mar 29, 2008 5:36 am

K! Can do!
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Re: Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

Post by Beatle on Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:39 am

Alright Tel, I edited it and took some of your points to heart. If you wouldn't mind taking another look over it for me that would be great! Thanks again Tel!
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Re: Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:54 pm

Beatle wrote:This is the first chapter of the story that I'm writing... um, I catagorize it as a fantasy/romance/adventure novela, so, I just stuck it here... hope you enjoy it! I'd like two questions answered though: What did you like most about this chapter? And who is your favorite character so far? Thank you!! If you're going to ask questions, I would recommend doing it at the end of the story. Very Happy


Gareth walked into his new room within the castle walls and looked around. He smiled crookedly saying to himself, "I could get used to a new life." He lay down his pack on his narrow bed and looked out the large window on the wall. It faced west, bathing his room in glowing reds and purples of the setting sun. He chewed on his upper lip and nodded, a slight grin on his face.

Someone knocked on the servants door to his room and asked, "May I come in, Page Gareth?" Honestly, Page's aren't that highly respected. I would have the servant simply say "Gareth". But that is definitely your choice.

Gareth grinned at the new thought of being a page in the castle, "Yes, you may," he tried to be polite, even if the person was only a servant.

A lean, sun-tanned man walked into the room holding bed sheets. He had stunning features for a servant: a stubborn pointed chin, snow-white hair, sharp cheek bones, and coal-black eyes. "Good earli-even This kind of confused me... and if it means what I think it means, why is he unsure of the time? Master Gareth. My name is Tevik and I will be serving you while you spend your time here at the castle." He put the sheets down on Gareth's bed. "Is there anything I can get you before dinner?"

"No thanks A comma is needed here. Also, since this is set in medieval times, I wouldn't use "thanks". "Thank you, Tevik," should be how that turns out. Tevik, I'll unpack and everything, then I'm going to down to dinner. You're free to come and check on me Check on me is another modern-sounding term. afterwards though."

Tevik smiled, Put a period here. "Smiled" isn't an object of speech... meaning that Tevik didn't smile his words. So you want a period here instead. "Yes, Master Gareth." He bowed and left through Ditch the "through. the way he came. I don't even think that "through the way he came" is needed in the sentence. I would get rid of them to make them smoother.

Gareth stood in front of his full-length mirror on the wall by his wardrobe. He ran his fingers through his mid-neck The "mid-neck" sounded a little bit weird. length dark-brown hair, and straightened the light-tan There are a lot of hyphens here, I would just say "tan". tunic he wore on his way over to the castle. The trip was a long one, considering that he lived on the other side of the mountains that ran through the country of Lindoen. "Maybe I should wash up," he muttered to himself.

He quickly went into the small room that served as his dressing room and privy. He changed into a silver tunic with a scarlet under shirt and breeches, the colors of his family's crest and flag.

He looked over himself in the mirror again and flattened his hair. His bright teal eyes wondered I believe you want wandered instead of wondered. over his face and down his short nose. He sighed, Life's going to be so different. He thought, then smiled, I want to be a knight so much! Just the thought of doing something heroic for King Roderick is… is amazing!

A loud bell rang three times from outside, signaling that it was time for dinner. To be honest, I would get rid of the "signaling...time for dinner". I figured that's what you meant, and when Gareth says "Food." you know for sure. "Food." Gareth licked his lips as his stomach growled. He walked out of his room and followed a small group of about six other boys through twisting hallways and down a winding staircase. They walked into the Great Hall, and the boys went straight to the King and Queen's table. That was where dukes and counts alike sat with their wives. There were two tables on the side of the King's that were perpendicular to it, forming a large open square. At these tables sat about thirty knights, fifteen at each table. The boys stopped in the middle of the tables and bowed deeply to the King and Queen.

Gareth saw King Roderick smile and watched him stand up. He flashed with the royal colors of green and midnight blue, his ermine trimmed cloak made him look bigger than he really was. He had jet-black hair flecked with silver and his eyes matched the bright green of his silk tunic. His queen matched him with a green gown that had midnight blue trimming. He doesn't even think of bowing to him?

"Good even Is this your word for evening?, my newest pages!" the King's voice boomed, "We are all very glad you have decided to join us in this court. You're work begins tomorrow evening, so for now enjoy the luxuries around the castle. Now, go have a seat and enjoy the evening meal." He waved his hand to beyond one of the knights' tables.

Gareth followed the King's hand and smiled as he saw another large table filled with more boys, all of which were squires and older pages. He looked at the older boys with awe, and he thought, Now I really can't wait!

The young pages found seats at the table and all of the boys began talking away. Gareth smiled at a few of them and dipped his spoon into the soup sitting in front of him. He didn't really feel like eating hot soup, more like cold turkey with warm cream gravy; hopefully they would have that at the table.

"William," a page across the table from Gareth called to another page sitting beside Gareth. The use of Gareth twice in this sentence is really irritating. I would change it to, ""William," called a page sitting across the table. He was addressing another page next to Gareth."

"What is it, James?" the boy called William answered.

"We're missing a member," James spoke then looked to the empty seat beside him. He was of average build, had cropped red hair, and his auburn-hazel eyes glinted with a hint of mischief.

William whipped his head around getting his blonde hair into his you put two spaces here ice blue eyes, "Who?" He was a big fellow who had broad shoulders and looked to be about a hands' width taller than James and Gareth.

A boy sitting next to James spoke up, "The Duke's daughter, William," he said exasperatedly.

"Right you are This is another modern-seeming quote... but if you keep it, you need a comma before or after every direct quote. David!" James patted the boy's shoulder.

As soon as Gareth heard the name David, he looked up. There sat a boy who looked just like his father, with jet-black hair, cool green eyes and a fit body for only a boy of twelve. "Prince David," he whispered ever so slightly.

"Hey "Hey" doesn't work. Sorry, but it looks terrible in a medieval fantasy., you there!" Gareth was snapped out of his phase to see the boy named James tapping the table in front of him. "Hey you, what's your name?"

"Erm, Gareth of Danton," Gareth hesitated.

"Well Gareth," James began, "I'm James of Greenloch, that's William of Loring." He pointed to William, then his hand motioned towards David, "And this is Prince David of Condahl."

Gareth was about to get up and bow when the Prince spoke, "No need to bow, I consider myself like any other noble ??? A noble would be someone of royal blood... aka, the prince. at the moment Gareth," Prince David motioned for him to sit and leaned over the table to whisper, "Not like a prince."

"Oh, erm, r-right Prince David."

"My friends call me David or Dave." Dave sounds a little weird on him.

"Alright." Gareth nodded, assuming that the prince was calling him a friend, "Sounds good That's another modernized quote., David."

David raised his eyebrows, grinned, and dipped his head acknowledging that this was the right thing to say.

"Anyways," James sighed, "Gareth, have you seen a girl your age, maybe a year older, with reddish-brown hair that’s short, she's probably wearing a purple tunic?"

Gareth was about to shake his head when William added, "She may be wearing a gown or dress."

"I've only seen her in a gown at royal balls or on holidays," David butted in.

"True," James was saying, "She's not too fond of dresses."

"Uh, fellas? "Fellas"?? Seems modernized and southwesternized." Gareth interrupted to grab their attention, "I haven't seen this girl anywhere."

"Oh." David's face was blank, then he shrugged and dug into his baked potato, "She never misses dinner, maybe she was practicing."

"Or flirting." William then promptly stuffed a roll in his mouth.

David and James both glared at him then looked around the table, Trade this last comma for a period. "Only her and Mera are missing," James spoke.

"That means Lord Kadyn kept them overtime." David pointed to the lord's empty seat. "Told ya she was practicing!"

"Hey," William swallowed his roll, "You know as well as I do that that girl will flirt with any boy who's willing to talk to her."

"Who's this girl we're talking about?" Gareth asked curiously while grabbing a piece of turkey.

"She's the-" One of the boys began.

Suddenly, the Great Hall's doors were slammed open and a stout, well muscled man that looked to be in his thirties The "that looked to be in his thirties" cuts the flow. Spread out your description, instead of giving a sudden info-dump. I would just say "well-muscled" and "stout". marched in. He was closely followed by two girls; one with medium length blonde hair, grey-blue eyes, and a square jaw, she was very tall and gangly. The other girl was half a head shorter than her companion and less skinny, yet her curves seemed to be in all of the right places. Her red-brown hair fell delicately around her oval face and her eyes were a stunning amethyst purple.

"Who're they?" Gareth's eyes were wide.

"Well, the man," William started, "that's Lord Kadyn of King's Mount, the hand-to-hand combat master and trainer."

"The blonde is Mera of Mirrorlake." James pointed out.

"And the other girl is Aislinn of Trellum, Duke Giles's daughter," David said, head in hands.

Gareth's eyes followed Aislinn and Mera as they went up to King Roderick's table and bowed. He noticed that Aislinn's father was eyeing her in a sour way. Wonder why? His mind asked him. He watched as the king dismissed the girls and asked the Lord to join his table. King's Mount looks brutal. I guess he has to be to put up with all of us. He told himself.

Gareth felt a hard slam against the table to the front of him and heard a plate being scrapped against the table's wooded surface to the right of him. He looked up to see purple irises staring at him and froze. He took a deep breath and looked down at his plate, why'd he have to be so shy?

"Who's he?" He heard a voice ask.

"One of the new pages like you Aislinn. His name's Gareth of Danton." James's thick tenor accent rolled.

Gareth looked up to see purple and grey-blue eyes on him, "He seems shy." Mera's voice was very sing-songy.

"I'm not shy!" Gareth's brows furrowed, "I just don't know what to say."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." The purple eyes glared at him, "You got something to say to us girls?" Her last word was like venom that poisoned Gareth.

"No, not really." He shrugged, "I don't mind if girls are here to learn to be dragonmasters, it's not in my place to say who trains and who doesn't."

"Excuse me?"

"Now Aislinn, he's right." Mera turned to Gareth while Aislinn's mouth gaped open at what her friend had just said. "You see Gareth," her song-like Ditch the "like"... just say "sing-song". voice began, "Aislinn isn't here to be just a dragonmaster."

"She's not?" Gareth was completely confused.

"No." The older girl said patiently, "She defied her father and came here, not just to be a dragonmaster but to also train with the boys on how to be a page. I, on the other hand, am only here to be a dragonmaster." She answered Gareth's next question.

Gareth turned to Aislinn[s],[/s]. "A knight," he repeated.

"Yes, a knight, you dolt!" Aislinn retorted.

Gareth bobbed his head in a small nod and looked at David, James, and William. All of them were staring at him and Aislinn, but when he looked over to them they turned very quickly and shoved food into their mouths. Aislinn and Mera seem like such different people. He sighed, I'm gonna need the whole story. He took a bite of turkey, Wait! You never said that he got turkey. Mention it somewhere that he gets it. And for the whole story I'm gonna need to ask one of these fellas.Again with the fellas...


Overall, I thought that it was all right, but a slightly cliched idea. And you really need to work on not using modern phrases. But I will say that I'll read more when you post it.

Here's what I think in a quick review:

Character development: 7/10
This was pretty good, adding in his thought helped.
Plot development: 6/10
Not quite as good, but at least we understand kind of the background of the story.
Grammar/wording: 6/10
This needs worked on, especially the modern phrases. Also, you use a few long, comma-less sentences.
Interest: 7/10
This means that I'm still moderately interested. Very Happy I guess I'll put this as your overall score... (7/10)

The story was all right, but it definitely needs some work, I think. However, I think that if you work with it, this definitely has the possibilities to become a good story. Just spend your time edited.

Now to answer your questions:
What did you like most about this chapter? Gareth's encounter with Aislinn. Very Happy
And who is your favorite character so far? Well, Gareth is the only character we know much about... but from what I know, I like William and Prince David better than him. Aislinn's kind of funny...

Good luck, and keep writing!

Jamon

Oh, by the way... sorry if I just repeated a bunch of stuff Telana said.

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Re: Dragon Knight Chap. 1: New Life [PG]

Post by telana_kiarr on Thu Apr 03, 2008 11:54 pm

Okay, I'm starting here, cuz I already reviewed for the first part. But real quick, a comment on the edit: Way to bring it up a few notches!! I'm so proud of you! *squeezes hugs until Beatle starts turning blue...*

"Hey," William swallowed his roll, "You know as well as I do that that girl will flirt with any boy who's willing to talk to her." <sounds a bit too today-sounding, and it contradicts itself later in the story (will mark it)>

"Who's this girl we're talking about?" Gareth asked curiously while grabbing a piece of turkey. <What? Where did the turkey come from??>

"She's the-" One of the boys began.

Suddenly, the Great Hall's doors were slammed open and a stout, well muscled man that<would change 'that' to 'who'> looked to be in his thirties marched in. He was closely followed by two girls; one with medium length blonde hair, grey-blue eyes, and a square jaw, she was very tall and gangly. The other girl was half a head shorter than her companion and less skinny, yet her curves seemed to be in all of the right places <Okay, mabe it's just me, but that just makes me go "Ugh." Not only did I not need to know that (on a personal level; descriptions are a necessary thing), but already, you've made her a Mary-Sue. Bad idea. Don't be afraid to give her flaws.>. Her red-brown hair fell delicately around her oval face and her eyes were a stunning amethyst purple.

"Who're they?" Gareth's eyes were wide.

"Well, the man," William started, "that's Lord Kadyn of King's Mount, the hand-to-hand combat master and trainer."

"The blonde is Mera of Mirrorlake." James pointed out.

"And the other girl is Aislinn of Trellum, Duke Giles's daughter," David said, head in hands.

Gareth's eyes followed Aislinn and Mera as they went up to King Roderick's table and bowed. He noticed that Aislinn's father was eyeing her in a sour way. Wonder why? <that should be in italics, and put little half quotation marks around it ('), and his--> should be lower-cased> His mind asked him. He watched as the king dismissed the girls and asked the Lord to join his table. <1/2 quotation '>King's Mount <I thought his name was Lord Kadyn...?> looks brutal. I guess he has to be to put up with all of us.<A) that last sentence didn't make sense, and B) No period, use a comma instead, and end the 1/2 quotation> He told himself.

Gareth felt a hard slam against the table to the front of him and heard a plate being scrapped against the table's wooded surface to the right of him. He looked up to see purple irises staring at him and froze. He took a deep breath and looked down at his plate, why'd he have to be so shy?

"Who's he?" He heard a voice ask.

"One of the new pages<,> like you Aislinn. His name's Gareth of Danton." James's thick tenor accent rolled.

Gareth looked up to see purple and grey-blue eyes on him, "He seems shy." Mera's voice was very sing-songy.

"I'm not shy!" Gareth's brows furrowed, "I just don't know what to say."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." The purple eyes glared at him, "You got something to say to us girls?" Her last word was like venom that poisoned Gareth. <Okay, earlier, it was stated that she would be willing to flirt with ANYBODY. ^This doesn't strike me as flirting...at all. Not even 'hard-to-get' flirting. So either change the first statement (that's the preferred option), or change this whole interaction.>

"No, not really." He shrugged, "I don't mind if girls are here to learn to be dragonmasters <What?! Where did dragonmasters come into play? This needs to be explained way, way, WAY beforehand>, it's not in my place to say who trains and who doesn't."

"Excuse me?" <Why is she so easily insulted? The anger can be used, but only to a certain extent. After that it just gets really...really annoying. You aren't going to be able to fall back on that anger everytime he talks to her, because if/when he does something to *really* make her angry, it won't make an impact on the reader.>

"Now Aislinn, he's right." Mera turned to Gareth while Aislinn's mouth gaped open <see above^> at what her friend had just said. "You see Gareth," her song-like voice began, "Aislinn isn't here to be just a dragonmaster."

"She's not?" Gareth was completely confused.

"No." The older girl said patiently, "She defied her father and came here, not just to be a dragonmaster but to also train with the boys on how to be a page. I, on the other hand, am only here to be a dragonmaster." <I think there's supposed to be a comma there>She answered Gareth's next question.

Gareth turned to Aislinn, "A knight," he repeated.

"Yes, a knight you dolt!" Aislinn retorted. <people are going to start thinking that she had anger issues...>

Gareth bobbed his head in a small nod and looked at David, James, and William. All of them were staring at him and Aislinn, but when he looked over to them they turned very quickly and shoved food into their mouths. Aislinn and Mera seem like such different people. He sighed, I'm gonna need the whole story. He took a bite of turkey, And for the whole story I'm gonna need to ask one of these fellas.
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