Water - Freewrite (G)

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Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by telana_kiarr on Sun Apr 20, 2008 1:14 am

This is a timed writing that I'm doing for this sort of class online. It's not supposed to make sense. Let me know what you think!

------

I feel the water gliding over my skin. It moves through, in, and around me. Turn to take a breath. Oh, the miracle of lungs, air, life!

I go back to the water. My hands pull me through the water, my feet propel me forward.

Water is smooth, cooling, soft. Water is my lover, partner.

Air! Plunge underneath.

Water is music, my arms are the beat, my feet are the rhythm. The music flows through my soul. Ebbs and flows, like the river, the sea, the ocean.

Water is blue, green, clear. The colors of my soul. A masterpiece in the making.

Breath!

Water is reality, fantasy, somewhere in between. I flow back and forth, through these places.

Air!

Water is life, death, birth, salvation, condemnation. It's my choice.

Close my eyes.

The water moves through, past, around me.

Love.

Music.

Rhythm.

Song.

Partner.

Air!

River.

Sea.

Ocean.

Blue.

Green.

Soul.

Breath!

Fantasy.

Life.

Death.

Salvation.

Reality!

Water drips onto the pavement. The race is over.


Last edited by telana_kiarr on Wed Apr 23, 2008 1:21 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by GuardianAngel on Sun Apr 20, 2008 1:25 am

All right! Good job Mel! You should group the words in at least fours,though. Y'know those single words, combine them in away too make the reader feel a strong emotion. Like land related words together, colors together, and explanatory feelings together. Or you could mix it up like; color,land, feeling... but have a sort of pattern.

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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Sun Apr 20, 2008 6:43 am

Is this a poem?

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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by telana_kiarr on Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:59 pm

Kind of ish. It didn't really fit into any of the other categories.
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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by GuardianAngel on Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:54 am

Its a free write poem. Its also called a No-boundary, a slam, an invert rhyme, and many other things.

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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by telana_kiarr on Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:28 am

Well, don't you just know everything, Kelsey....*facepalm*
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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Tue Apr 22, 2008 3:19 am

If you aren't sure, put it in "Other"... as it is, this is fine here.

Now onto my edit.

I feel the water gliding over my skin. It moves through, in, and around me. Turn to take a breath. For this to be a sentence, it needs to be a command. Maybe you just want to leave it, since everyone knows, but I would prefer it changed. Oh, the miracle of lungs, air, life!

I go back to the water. You're in the water the whole time... this last sentence sounds off. My hands pull me through the water, my feet propel me forward. "Propel" seems so... awkward and cliche here. It also is a little long, which messes up the rhythm a bit.

Water is smooth, cooling, soft. Water is my lover, partner. I don't even like this sentence that much. The symbolism isn't that exciting... ditch "partner" at least.

Air! Plunge underneath. Plunge underneath the air??? I seriously had to read this a couple times to get it.

Water is music, my arms are the beat, my feet are Get rid of the "are", it'll help the... rhythm, actually. Laughing the rhythm. The music flows through my soul. Ebbs and flows, like the river, the sea, the ocean. I like this, but it too is cliche.

Water is blue, green, clear. The colors of my soul. A masterpiece in the making. Love this last sentence.

Breath!

Water is reality, fantasy, somewhere in between. I flow back and forth, through these places. "Through these places." Ugh. I don't like it at all. Replace it...

Air!

Water is life, death, birth, salvation, condemnation. It's my choice. I like this, too.

Close my eyes. Wait... are "you" in a race? Would you seriously close your eyes??

The water moves through, past, around me. This is exactly like one of your first sentences with different wording. Plus, the "past" and "around" mean basically the same thing.

Love.

Music.

Rhythm.

Song.

Partner.

Air!

River.

Sea.

Ocean.

Blue.

Green.

Soul.

Breath!

Fantasy.

Life.

Death.

Salvation.

Reality! In this part, were you using key words that you mentioned before?? By the way, I love the last one.

Water drips onto the pavement. The race is over. Good ending.

--

Okay, so overall I'll rate it 7/10. I like your single-word paragraphs at the end, and you had a marvelous ending.

But I think you tried too hard with the symbolism. It seems really cliche, and sometimes long, ruining the rhythm.

Some of your sentences (I commented after them) were beautifully written, and in those cases the symbolism excellent. Unfortunately, it was quite a bit less than half the time.

Work on it, this definitely has potential ( Very Happy Doesn't everything??), and I would love to see it edited.

Jamon

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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by telana_kiarr on Wed Apr 23, 2008 1:17 am

Thanks for the crit, Woz! I do like some of the suggestions you made, and it's not that I'm purposely not going to change anything because of you, but I'm not going to change anything. First, this is part of a writing...class...that I'm taking, and one of the things I'm supposed to do is just write for a given amount of time, and not change anything...at all. Second, this is really about me! This is kinda what happens to me when I swim; I drift in and out of reality: in when I need air, out when I go underwater.

Ow...! I just stubbed my toe *really* hard.... *muffled scream of pain*

Okay. Better...ish.

Anyways, I do appreciate the comments, it's just part of this...class...I'm taking.
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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by telana_kiarr on Wed Apr 23, 2008 1:18 am

Oh, and yes, I was using Key words that I had used before. And the sentence that is almost exactly the same as the beginning is supposed to be that way.
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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by GuardianAngel on Fri Apr 25, 2008 4:20 am

telana_kiarr wrote:Well, don't you just know everything, Kelsey....*facepalm*
I realize this mel.

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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by summer777 on Fri Apr 25, 2008 4:47 am

What is this...class...that you keep talking about?
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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by telana_kiarr on Fri Apr 25, 2008 11:11 pm

GuardianAngel wrote:
telana_kiarr wrote:Well, don't you just know everything, Kelsey....*facepalm*
I realize this mel.

Well, you don't have to be snarky to me about it, lol!
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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by telana_kiarr on Fri Apr 25, 2008 11:12 pm

summer777 wrote:What is this...class...that you keep talking about?

Holly Lisle's Stuff that I've found on her website. I call it a...class...because that's the only word I could of for it. *shrug*
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Re: Water - Freewrite (G)

Post by GuardianAngel on Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:30 am

telana_kiarr wrote:Well, you don't have to be snarky to me about it, lol!
Me? Snarky? Never. Cool

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