Demon -- flash fic (PG-13)

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Demon -- flash fic (PG-13)

Post by Dreamer on Thu Mar 06, 2008 7:36 pm

Oooh... old writings! Fun! This was from June last year. I didn't think it was terrible, but I know it's not good. Any tips for fixing it up?

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His life was near its end, and his murderers not far behind, but still he ran.
Why did they hate him? What had he done wrong?
Nothing.
He had done nothing save be born, and that was all they needed. He was different. He was gifted. He was better, and for that, he was a crime. He was a demon. A thing good only for death. But he knew better. And that was why he ran.

Suddenly his vision flashed black and his pain increased. He fell into a ball, curling into himself and nearly shutting out the world.
“I see him! The demon bastard’s up ahead! I see him!”
Panic flowed through his veins, slowing and slurring his thought. He grunted and pushed himself up, gasping at the fire that exploded in his head. He stumbled forward into a run again.
“How- he’s still alive!”
He jumped off the road and into the brush, half falling, half running down the hill. He crashed into a tree and held it tight, trying not to black out as he caught his breath. He waited until he heard the shouts again before running.
Why were they following him? He would be dead soon any way!
Tears leaked out his eyes at that thought. His life had been wasted. Eternity means nothing If you don’t savor it. All he had ever done was serve his master well. Wasn’t that why he was here in the first place? To show them the light?
He smelt the sea.
His feet slowed and stumbled, and he fell on the rocks. His legs began twitching as the poison went through him. He heard crashing behind him and saw boots in his face.
He was at there mercy, and they had none to give. He closed his eyes, begging his master for the last time.
“He’s… he’s not- he’s not a demon! He’s…a…”
There were gasps all around as he began to glow and fade away.
“He’s dieing!” a woman cried.
He was going back! His master was taking him ba…
No!
He was going away!
“NO!” he screamed, fighting to come back. The people, once his hunters, made way as he crawled to the cliff.
“Father, please!” he cried, crouching low and taking off. His tattered wings flew out, bathing the cliff and people in light as he rose up.
He screamed as another flash of pain drove through his head.
“PLEASE!” he cried again as he fell into the sea.

The people cried and screamed as he disappeared. One man was still stunned and was looking at the spot where he had been.
“He’s an angel.” He murmured.

And up above, high in the heavens, the master laughed.
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Re: Demon -- flash fic (PG-13)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:15 am

That was... interesting. I liked the idea. Parts of it were a little rough, but that happens a lot in quick scenes like that. I have to go to bed, so I'll get back to this, but one major edit:

"“He’s dieing!” a woman cried."

Dieing should by dying.

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