The Immortals, New #1 (PG-13, for Jamon's contest)

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The Immortals, New #1 (PG-13, for Jamon's contest)

Post by Mark on Sun Mar 09, 2008 5:45 pm

Hi, this is for Jamon's beginning contest. It is the new start to *insert name of novel here*. Tell me what you think! I am really hogging the fantasy forum, lol. It isn't very long, but hey! Quality not quantity!

Chapter One: Ash Mounts

“For all these years
We have ridden in solitude.
Always in seclusion,
Always.

Count us this day
And Count us as one,
Count us together,
For we remain undone.

Look to the skies,
Stars you will see.
One does wane;
Its name? Is freedom.

But one does broaden,
It grows, it swells.
At length it rises.
Its name? Is courage.

Look to the west,
Look to the road.
They will come,
They will weep.”

The song whispered through the air, rising towards the heavens.


“Let the savages wail in their own spite!” the mighty rider cried, lifting his crimson blade into the light of the waxing moon. “We may not be divine, and such power may not flow through us this day, but let our courage drive us! Let strength find us!”


The exile steered his horse and bounded into the glowing twilight. His sword gleamed spectacular silver under the twilight and the man’s warm, blue eyes stared into the heart of the yonder host. Countless were their numbers, but hope remained kindled whilst his kindred’s passion dwelt.

“Now! Ride forth!”

A chorus of bellowing horns followed.

The grave is dug. Death waits earnestly. Time to meet its desire. Thought Aedomir, lord of the exiles, as his steed roared down the mountainside. Hooves raced behind him, cries of valour and of spirit floating in their wake. A fear struck hard into the enemy, and some turned and fled. Aedomir garnished the inspiration a let rip a scream of despair.


And so the outlaws neared the curtains of destiny.

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Re: The Immortals, New #1 (PG-13, for Jamon's contest)

Post by Saruukhai on Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:07 pm

"Quality not quantity," exactly.

I enjoyed reading this although it was only short. I liked the poem you wrote at the start, but poems and songs aren't really my strong point, I've never really understood them but enjoy reading them, I prefer the AABB rhyming couplets myself but thats another story.

I sense your insiration for this piece was the charge of the Rohirrim? The typical speech and charge Wink Don't worry I like those things, they bring real drama to the scene just like the charge of the Rohirrim xD Always get goosebumps when that piece starts. I don't really know what to say that was bad about it... Everything was really good, I liked the use of the word "bounded" half way through and the word "garnished".

I found a typo although - "His sword gleamed spectacular silver" need an "a" in there Smile And one more thing I dunno if it is a different person but you have a "crimson sword" then a "silver" sword, unless it isn't the same person then you may need to correct it. Don't let these minor mistakes put you off however, short but a great read, and again, sorry for the wall of text.
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Re: The Immortals, New #1 (PG-13, for Jamon's contest)

Post by Teh Wozzinator on Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:10 pm

Wall of text? That's a good thing, Saru--that shows a good critique. Very Happy

Mark, I'm not going to edit this yet, because I have to give a critique if it wins my contest.

I have read it though, and I think that it's better than the original.

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Re: The Immortals, New #1 (PG-13, for Jamon's contest)

Post by Mark on Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:14 pm

Thanks! That's great of you to say. Very Happy

Ye, wall of texts are great for crits. I love charge of the rohhrim, it's my avvie on YWS! Sort of insipration, ye. I love 'no hope so let's ride to death' kind of scenes. Thanks for the crits, I write this quite quickly.

Now I really must get back to my homeowkr. Smile

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Re: The Immortals, New #1 (PG-13, for Jamon's contest)

Post by Saruukhai on Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:17 pm

Lol you must have a lot of homework xD and remember do the coursework before it does you Smile
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Re: The Immortals, New #1 (PG-13, for Jamon's contest)

Post by Mark on Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:19 pm

I think I beat coursework on Friday. *celebrates*

I just realised, I said I would be getting back to my homework... 20 minutes ago. Oh well. It's not till after lunch Very Happy

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Re: The Immortals, New #1 (PG-13, for Jamon's contest)

Post by Saruukhai on Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:32 pm

My tutor always says "It's not cool to fail" always, every single day almost always at least once in every sentence, you better believe it 'cos you're not cool Razz
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Re: The Immortals, New #1 (PG-13, for Jamon's contest)

Post by Mark on Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:35 pm

Sounds like wise words.

But I don't geddit, lol.

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